Changing times

 

I grew up in a pluralistic Keralam that echoed Sri Narayana Guru's message of "whichever the religion, it suffices if it makes a better human being." It pains me to see this ethos fading. Fascism in the name of nationalism is still very insidious and imperceptible but we are slipping down slowly but surely. The signs are in the Islamophobic fake news in WhatsApp groups, mean remarks about migrant workers, changing palate, reluctance to openly denounce Israeli or American acts of war in the Middle East, snide remarks of threat of "love jihad" or religious conversion. The subtle shifts are evident everywhere if we have our ear to the ground. We may have dodged the bullet this election but the landscape is fast shifting. Malayalis have to work seamlessly across the religious divide to educate, to clarify, to dispel doubts and forge and renew our respect for each other. Unless we want a repeat of the mayhem that Bengal is witnessing now.

In search of that elusive peace

TOXIC – This is one of the words that I have heard the most from clients this year. People want peaceful lives. Seemingly a very reasonable expectation. Some place the locus of their demand on their external environment, others on their internal environment. “Why are these people disturbing my peace?” versus “Why can’t I control my mind and remain peaceful?

Life is full of experiences; whether we categorize them into internal or external, painful or pleasurable, life goes on. We are not able to. Our mind has a ground hog day, replaying endlessly in a loop the same scenarios, coming up with the same conclusions. Ultimately, we decide either we are not good enough to be with others or others are not good enough to be with us. We cut off or withdraw depending on our attitude. The result is the same – our world shrinks. The cause is also the same – the need to protect oneself.

I am not talking about genuinely abusive conditions where it is essential to get away and seek a safe abode. Unfortunately, people often fail to detect and take appropriate actions in such cases but that is a different story for a different day. Here, I am pointing to the trend of blocking and cutting people off at the drop of a hat. People build high walls not only around their houses and live in isolated gated communities but also have erected mammoth walls around their heart.

This is because we mistake a thought about who we are to be who we are. Thoughts are passing clouds. To derive our sense of self from thoughts is to identify ourself with something very fragile and fleeting. Hence the tremendous fear. The solutions to attain peace that arise from this fear-ridden mind are also quick fixes - seeking therapy to get rid of the uncomfortable emotions, getting rid of “toxic” people or getting away from them to avoid triggers.

The only lasting solution is to stay aware, acknowledge the difficult emotions and situations and keep acting appropriately. Engage and not disengage. When we do this, our identity shifts from a flimsy thought-based one to a much more deep-rooted awareness-based one. Unhelpful beliefs lose hold on us. We become open and trusting of the intelligence that sustains the universe. We live in acceptance. It is then that we heal. 

Let us walk on that path of healing together....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

When forms dissolve

 

I was talking with someone whose perception towards a loved one (LO) had changed. He experienced this as being very painful. He described himself as being so loyal to the LO that he would not have hesitated to kill or die for her. He was suffering from the classic symptoms of grief. He had a story in his head about who she is which collapsed when she behaved in a particular way. He then went through the culturally programmed process of grief. I invited him to recognize that his story about her had emerged from his unmet childhood needs which he readily acknowledged. The story then became a barrier which prevented him from recognizing her true nature or seeing her behaviour as it is. In the space that emerged when the story gave way, he now has the opportunity to see clearly. In the uncertainty of not having a definite idea about who the other is, he could stay live to what is.

I gently reminded him that his or her true identity is not a story. A story is a set of thoughts that run together. It could be about who we are, who others are, about situation, etc. When we observe, we become aware of it. Thus staying as the awareness that is observing, we recognize that story is an object of awareness and is thus a particular form. All forms by nature change. That a form can endure forever is a misconception that humans hold on to. From this misunderstanding, arouse the thought whether he would lose the form. From that fear came and the need to hold on to the form. When this was thwarted, arouse grief. When he realized all this and was reminded of his own true nature, grief gave way to peace.

This needs to be read with a bit of background knowledge on the nature of who we are. If we identify ourselves with the story in our head about who we are instead of our essence, we suffer. Recognizing ourselves as the awareness that observes is the beginning of freedom. Recognizing another as the same consciousness and seeing their behaviour without distortion is love.

We tend to forget our true nature and falsely identify with the stories in our head. All of us do that unless we are enlightened beings. To recognize that all dysfunctional behaviour arises from that forgetting is forgiveness.

The two modes of our mind

 

Our mind is versatile in that it has two modes of functioning: 1. Witnessing mode, 2. Immersed mode. Most of the time, a majority of people are in the immersed mode. Many are not aware of the existence of witnessing mode and do not use it consciously. At times, people fall into it and revert back without awareness. Spirituality and religious practices are by way of design intended to bring mind into a witnessing mode. However when done compulsively without knowledge, it does not serve that intention. When we function exclusively in the immersed mode, we are prone to emotional pain and suffering. The way out is to just switch our mode.

Immersed mode: People think and thoughts keep pouring in and out. We are so enamored by thoughts that they hold our attention exclusively. In immersed mode, we are so fused with our thoughts that our body responds to its content. Accordingly, we experience various body sensations and feelings. If the content of our mind is peaceful, our body feels at ease. On the other hand, mental turmoil is reflected by uncomfortable sensations in the body.

The content of our thoughts can be related to the present or could be of the past or future. Whenever the thoughts are related to the here and now, actions are more appropriate and we also feel more mentally energized and balanced. When past or future thoughts predominate, sadness or anxiety can arise respectively.

When we are convinced that thoughts are true and believe in them fully, our body and actions mirror its content. This can lead to inappropriate behaviour and affect even relationships adversely. This is the so-called “normal” human suffering. Yet so much of it is unnecessary and is perpetuated only because we do not know how to switch modes.

Witnessing mode: When we resolve to observe instead of getting involved in thoughts, we are witnessing. This mode can be easily attained by mindfulness or grounding. Without the jargon, this only means to start looking around – look at the space, listen to the sounds, feel your breath, and body sensations. You can also observe the thoughts come and go without engaging with them. When we start attending to the here and now through our various senses without our attention being fully taken up by thoughts, we start to switch. We do not resist any thought. We do not go along with any thoughts. We just stay as a witness to what is unfolding – thoughts, body sensations, stimuli in the environment. There is a feeling of not knowing. We can allow that to be and ease into it. This is a moment of freedom.

In the witnessing mode, thoughts do not linger. They float by like passing clouds. As long as we do not engage with the thoughts, they will not stay as our attention is the only energy that powers them. No matter what the circumstances are, this mode is ever accessible to us. Thus, we are at any moment potentially free from suffering. We are also in our most resourceful state in this mode. We can choose which thoughts we want to engage in. It is important to have a clear idea about our goals in life. Then we can observe the thoughts and choose to engage with thoughts that bring us closer to our goals while letting others go.

Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are assumptions we make about reality. They are not right or wrong in themselves. It is more helpful to categorize them as useful or not. Those thoughts that serve to realize our goals are useful. Otherwise, not. Once we know to switch to the immersed mode and have discernment in which thought is useful or not, we are utilizing our power.

Every thought we choose to fuse with, rides our attention and energizes itself impacting our body, emotions, and thus our actions. When we stay in immersed mode, we have no choice over what thoughts can possess us. This is the suffering of mankind. Yet, we always potentially have the power to be free. This is realized only when we switch to the witnessing mode.

In our daily lives, we take up so many roles – of worker, of parent, of spouse, of sibling, of offspring …. There are myriad situations that necessitate us to fuse with many thoughts. If we are aware and choose, we are versatile. Without awareness, we are but puppets in the hands of fate. This is like taking up a role in a drama and becoming so obsessed with the role and the mask that we wear for that role that we decide to go home wearing the mask. That would be absurd right? No more than how we carry around obsolete thoughts and fuse with them sacrificing our power and autonomy. Key is to recognize when to put on the mask and when not. That is freedom.

Thoughts about who we are can become a prison for us. We feel compelled to defend these stories in our mind. If I believe the thought that “I am honest,” then I must label a person who is not agreeing with my perception as dishonest. I have taken up a mask and pushed one on another person as well. Then we wage wars to uphold these masks. Such unnecessary suffering!

Who I am cannot be defined. As also every one else. To do so, is to deny our true identity. When we recognize that thoughts are not facts, when we switch to witnessing mode, we connect with who we are beyond stories and self definitions. We drop our masks. To be able to switch, to know when and how, this is a fine line to tread. Yet to do it is to fulfill our destiny as a human being. 

 

Welcome 2025!

 

It is New Year’s eve once again. It would be a cliché to say that it came too soon. Yet life does seem to be flitting by. We humans scatter hither and thither to make a living. I get several clients who come to me complaining of how lazy they are and enquire how they can motive themselves to become more productive. I look at how they spend their time and it usually turns out that they don’t have a minute to spare and are bursting at the seams with activities. Doing, doing and more doing. Compulsive doing. Then they find themselves browsing social media or Insta incessantly or falling ill which they call their “unproductive” time.

Our culture has created human robots who get anxious when they stop doing. I ask the clients about the narrative in their heads that spurs them on to keep doing. Invariably they recollect parents or teachers who spotted them as children enjoying a quiet moment of contentment or brilliant creativity and called it a “waste of time” and to quickly switch to studying which is “the stuff that matters.”  

Addictions are a coping strategy to get away from the pain of not feeling okay. Many grownups cannot spend a quiet moment anymore. We have come up with the term “boredom” to normalize this condition. So, we pride ourselves in having a hectic life. Yet deep within us there is the yearning to be, to just be. To connect intimately with the moment, with nature, with the life that pulsates through us. It is a state of still aliveness which I call “being.” The body-mind complex obliges for a while to meet the cultural pressures. Then its natural impulses gather force. There is a complete or partial breakdown as a result.

I usually startle my clients when I tell them that the remedy is to do nothing and connect with their innate creativity by feeling the life pulsating through them. They smile when I tell them that we are human being and not human doing. I also invite them to think of what is important to them in life. This New Year, I hope all of us can find our unique balance of being and doing, orient our doing in the way of our values and shine forth like the sparks of life we are.

 

Work-life balance

 

In an era when work has quietly entered our homes and personal spaces after the advent of Covid, it has become increasingly difficult to delineate where and when work ends and personal life begins. Without a clear physical boundary to highlight that transition, often we wander aimlessly in a purgatory of switching seamlessly from workspace in our laptops to YouTube videos in an instant. We lament that there is no time. We yearn for the closure of switching off our laptops and coming home to relax.

It is important to know what we are capable of and what we require to start setting those boundaries up. Self awareness is key. Some important questions to ask ourselves are: 1. How many hours do I want to work? 2. How many hours do I need to rest, play, and relax? 3. How many hours do I want to spend with my friends and family? The answers will vary from individual to individual and that uniqueness needs to be valued. For example, I am a morning person and require at least seven hours of sleep so I am off to bed by 10 pm and get up at 5 am so I can have a productive day ahead.  I do not take up any work that would jeopardize that.

Another important point to ponder about is the extent to which we want to engage with the digital world – when, where, and how? Once we have some clarity about our needs, we are well on our way to creating boundaries. For example, I do not use my digital devices on Sundays or after 7 pm most of the time unless it is an emergency.

When we have an idea what are needs and feelings are about how, when and where we want to work, it is up to us to implement that in our lives. We can use our creativity and look for options that support our choices. When we honor who we are, work and life will fall into place harmoniously.

Signs of love

 

Is there an ideal love? If so, will it be the same for all? In childhood, we would certainly have convinced ourselves of such a possibility. We come from different parenting environments and life experiences. The rom-coms, family dramas, and fairy tales that we grow up on are after all, tales of love. Through these varied inputs, we create our definitions about self, others and the environment including love. As each person is moulded by unique influences, I propose that we all have our own version of what ideal love is. Our shared culture and humanity may bring with it some common elements however.

In the recent weeks, I have been drawn into such definitions through my counselling and training work. I had not given this much thought earlier. For me, love means to see a person as they are, to be open to their feelings and needs. I had scarcely given that definition a second thought as to its origin and significance. However as some clients poured out their stories of love, I began to see a pattern emerge.

For some, love means to be acknowledged and adored, for another it is a form of support, while a third thinks of love as a validation of their own personality. As I went over the material that was pouring out, I could see that these definitions reflected childhood experiences and incomplete needs that people were still carrying around from a very early age.  Our intrapsychic dynamics are truly reflected in our interpersonal relationships.

The struggles that we face not being able to realize our ideal love are the defining experiences that shape our personality and invite us to grow as a person. For me, this meant identifying and honouring my feelings and “seeing” myself. I learned to be self-aware and self reliant as a result. I also learned self-care.  Our challenges with finding ideal love bring us back to ourselves and help us realize that we have the capacity to give ourselves everything that we yearn for. We are endlessly reminded of our own resources. Only then, we stop looking outside and unleash our potential.

To understand that our idea of love is a vestige of our childhood yearnings can bring in some disillusionment. If we truly explore this to the fullest, it can also be liberating. Astonishingly this means acknowledging that the love we are experiencing now could be ideal too. Perhaps it does not fit our definition of ideal love but maybe it is someone else’s idea of it and isn’t it a blessing to have that? With the myriad contours love can take, this can mean that we are always surrounded by love in some form or the other. If we give up on the thought that our definition of love is the only one and attaining that is the only route to happiness, we may just open ourselves to a treasure trove of love and joy just waiting for us to dig in and enjoy!!

Stroke economy in TA training groups

 

One of the primary goals in a TA training group is to be emancipated from the stroke economy. As we all know, Claude Steiner outlined the five restrictive rules known as the stroke economy that we have all imbibed from our culture. In addition, there are many writings on how our initiation into the stroke economy is for the benefit of capitalism and obedience to the state. The artificial scarcity of strokes created by the parenting environment coaxes human infants to submit to their caretakers eventually leading to the formation of script.

Is the goal of being liberated from the stroke economy being met in TA groups? Or are we using the same rules to the advantage of the trainers to mould and shape the trainees to their liking? These and some other important questions need to be addressed. Prima facie, there seems to be a liberal outpour of positive strokes which is very attractive for the stroke-starved trainees. The trainees become determined to conform to group norms and adhere to study goals to ward off conditional negative strokes and store up on the positive strokes. The feedback at the end of teaching practices is where the bulk of strokes are exchanged and this is the fertile ground for favouritism. If some trainees are at the mercy of the whims and fancies of the group at the moment, others have worked behind the scenes to garner favour and assure their quota of positive strokes. At the psychological level, everyone knows that it is a “you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” game except the very clueless or courageous few.  To the so-called Martian of Bernian fame, the entire process will appear dangerously hilarious.

A group of people will hurl out praises and abuses as they please while one person sits in a chair and takes it all in. The trainee in the hot seat is supposed to receive or reject strokes as needed. Meanwhile the other trainees make explicit their hidden hostilities, discounting, grandiosity, overdetailing – the entire works of psychopathology that they are carrying within. At best, the trainee in the spotlight is expected to discern discounts from strokes and gain some insight. Trainees are in the TA group because they are unable to do so in the first place. So it follows that some of them go into script either visibly or covertly and get closer to the payoff. The same applies to the stroke givers too.

It is to avoid such a perilous condition that the idea of contract exists. If personal growth and change is what TA affords, then that is plausible only when a contract is made by the trainee attending to own needs genuinely at the moment of presentation. If the trainee has the need to be celebrated and supported, then she has every right to request that. If the trainee needs to improve in a specific area or explore areas of improvement, that also is his prerogative. That freedom to choose is what makes the whole process humane rather than a gallows roadshow.  

TA is usually taught in an adult setting. As grownups we carry prior experiences and learning to the classroom. As TA trainers, we need to respect and account for that. It is important to let the person decide the pace at which they want to grow and change. Berne has cautioned us to be at least two steps behind the counselee. The same applies to the trainees. The need has to come from them.

Communication is effective only when we take into account the frame of reference of the listener. No matter how well-intentioned or potent a feedback is being handed down to the trainee, if there is no agreement by the trainee to receive it, there will not be any growth. If the 3Ps of protection, permission and potency are to be satisfied, the principles of TA have to be upheld. It is in this kind of benevolent environment that trainees can progress to autonomy and bid adieu to their scripts.

Peace that passes all understanding!

 

The Shift

As a tiny organism wailing helplessly to be picked up by giant caretakers, human babies are dependent. If the caretakers pay attention and appropriately acknowledge and meet the needs and feelings of the baby, the little one will grow up with a healthy attitude. However if the baby is neglected or overprotected, unhealthy attitudes can develop. Neglected/abused children may either rebel against the world or become dejected depending on the severity of the neglect or abuse. In our culture, we value parental care and protection to such an extent that overprotection and over-nurturing is not only condoned but encouraged blatantly and even lauded. People look at these children as having led a blessed life. Little do we know of their suffering. Being fed when the parent was hungry, being appreciated when the parent was happy, they have had no space to just be.  Never once have they learned to understand their own needs, desires, feelings or opinions. They float through life living the lives of others, feeling for others, meeting the needs of others. They are admired and appreciated by society for being so adapted, for having so little “ego” etc. In fact, their caretaking environment has encouraged such an adaptation as a way for them to survive the need of their caretakers to be powerful/manipulative/controlling. Especially damaging is if one of the parents is of a dominant/narcissistic/psychopathic personality and the other a submissive/dependent/passive-aggressive type. To offset the threat posed by the dominant parent, the child will adopt the behaviour of the submissive parent. This is encouraged actively by both parents unconsciously.

As they sail through life without setting any boundaries, they are taken advantage of, exploited, abused and maligned. At some point, the acute suffering may wake them up. At that time, they shed their docile nature and the anger modelled by the narcissistic/psychopathic parent takes over. Somehow, they feel they have collected enough suffering points to be rewarded a free angry outburst. The anger is a defense mechanism that compels them to set up boundaries and protect themselves from manipulation and exploitation. In that sense, it can be beneficial. However, from a passive communication style, they suddenly shift to an aggressive tone. As the fury rages through them and passes, they are hit by a sense of guilt with the critical parent in their head punishing them severely for their so-called transgressions. At this point, they develop depression or anxiety or both and physiologically also they may get ailments due to the protracted stress responses in the body. Counselling or therapy at this point can be incredibly beneficial.

They can be supported to become aware of their power and responsibility – power to make their choices and responsibility to go through the consequences of those choices. They can be guided to be assertive by paying attention to their own feelings and needs while balancing with an equal awareness of and respect for the feelings/needs of others. All of this requires effort to become aware – of self, others and the context. Especially challenging for them is the process of finding what they like or don’t like. Conversely, it can also be an exciting journey of self-discovery. At this point, they can break their shells and regain their autonomous nature and bloom into the beautiful beings that we are all meant to be.

I will go to you when the weather is warm

 

This is the title of a Korean drama I am currently watching. Don’t worry, this article is not about how I am a self-professed K-drama addict. Anyway, suddenly I have started thinking of people in terms of seasons and weather conditions. I will try to explain this bizarre analogy that has popped into my mind.

Have you come across spring? This is when people are in full bloom and they are exuding such beauty and vitality that they are a joy to behold. We can spend a whole afternoon just gazing at their fresh visage and vivacious smile. The colours of their emotions are displayed with such vividness. The sparkle in their eyes ignites such warmth in our hearts. We wish they would linger for a while before their charms are beyond our horizon.

Then there is summer which comes calling with high temper. When things are laid bare and scorching words fly at us, we want to take shelter under a cool banyan tree. We perspire in the heat of the moment. Our hearts burn with such passion. Perhaps the gentle spatter of a summer rain can bring some coolness. May be a soft touch where our fingers meet relieves the tension. As life heats up, we want to flee but endure we must the harshness of summer so that new shades of ‘I’ can emerge.

With every rise, there is a fall. When autumn descends and people wither away, we shed tears. What was once full becomes so lean that it breaks our heart. Yet for a while, before your colours fade, let me hold you once more for another eternal moment. Let me listen to your sweet whispers before the silence sets in.

There is a sudden hail and life is drained of its serenity. Take shelter, lest these unexpected chunks of cold words smash our hearts. Let us pick up these dirty lumps and hurl them away before they become pools of slush through which we have to wade. Why hold on to something so fleeting?

Some people are like a treasure hidden away in the eye of a storm. We have to dodge many obstacles and fiery gusts of wind before we get to their heart of gold. Let us have the love and patience to see the beautiful soul amidst the spurt of fury and destruction. Don’t run away too far but stay safe until her rage abates and she shines in new splendour.

Before the harshness of winter sets in, let me melt in your balmy love and take in your flowery scent. Before the heart freezes in the brazenness of your tone, let me reminisce about these beautiful moments. As I meet your compassionate gaze, my inner landscape is lush with greenery welcoming your presence. Even in this dead of winter, I see the stirrings of life. There will be a new bloom and spring will again find its way.

See, I was not kidding when I told you that people remind me of the weather. So wait for yet a while and I will come to you when the weather is warm.

FROM MATTER TO SPIRIT

 

As human beings, we want to invest in our growth. Usually we focus on improving the physical or financial aspects of our life. We buy stocks and/or enrol in gyms for this purpose. However, it is also important to invest in psychological as well as spiritual growth. Education is an important means to achieve this. Connecting with resources that promote such growth becomes vital to lead a healthy life.

It has been about a century since the advent of Quantum physics. It is time to acknowledge the end of a materialistic world view. Although physics has laid rest to objectivity and factored in the importance of consciousness, other sciences seem to be lagging behind even now.  This has led to a schism.

As a society, we still pretend to be materialistic beings with solid bodies who need only good food, clothing, shelter and money to have a “good” life.  All the while, our minds are screaming out for someone to heed its woes. We fail to acknowledge how our emotions are all over the place. We have no clue what can provide us with happiness. In the race to gather more amenities, we fall ill. We look to our body to give us an indication as to the source of our sickness. We spend most of the money we earn for this purpose. We get hooked on anything that can help hide our pain.

In a bid to cope with our disease, we may become TV or social media junkies or get addicted to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, religion or sex. Some suck their thumbs, others fall in and out of relationships or jobs or gurus, some others overeat or undereat. With the dawn of COVID and the social isolation that followed, we have become adept at putting on a false face.

In this era of texting, we are not obliged to show our faces or reveal our body language. Our emotional health is known only to us. We define ourselves through the hallowed statements we make about ourselves. People are for the first time obliged to concur with our limited ideas about ourselves. There is no other clue available to contest our claims. Our level of empathy cannot be gauged. Those who are empathically disabled cannot be recognized. There are no safeguards to emotional exploitation in the virtual space.

People are confused, depressed and anxious. We may have enough money or food or power to have a “successful” life. However, it is hard to find anyone around us who is genuinely happy. It is time to recognize that we are spiritual beings with bodies and not the other way around. As such, we need to first familiarize ourselves with who we truly are. Self-awareness is the need of the hour. Even a car mechanic will first study what a car is made up of, before repairing it. Shouldn’t we know who we are, before aspiring to lead healthy lives? Our educational system needs to reorient itself to such a rising need.

Who can address this? Mental health specialists, counsellors, social workers, psychologists, and spiritually-awakened souls have to step into this vacuum. Beyond the body and our limited imaginations, there are aspects to us that need to be acknowledged and utilized. Only through such a wholesome approach can we rise to our full potential as human beings and build a blissful future.

There is no enemy!

 

In the movie Matrix, when its principal character Neo realizes the real nature of the matrix and accepts the truth about himself, he says to himself “there is no enemy” while carrying on a fist fight with Agent Smith. So also while thwarting away multiple personal boundary violations, I say with a smile, “there is no enemy.”

I can just hear you ask me despairingly “What the hell! Are you telling me that punk who cursed at me and is trying to stab me in the back is not my enemy??” I am repeating it again, “there is no enemy.” What is bringing forth this kind of foolish idealism may be your next query?

Well, most of us believe in God. I can start the explanation only with the base of spirituality, sorry. One core assumption in most religions is that this universe is replete with the presence of the One. Also that man is at his essence one with God. Accepting that as the fundamental truth, I have arrived at my aforementioned conclusion.

If everyone is one with God at his essence, then that must be our true abiding nature.  Therefore all are good. Yes, I also make that other vital assumption that God is good. At any moment, a human being is just a cluster of body, thoughts and feelings plus as we earlier presumed, the spirit of God. Now we all feel that we have an abiding “I-ness.” Whether at age 5 or age 50, I feel that I am me. Hope that is true for all of you. Since this I-ness is a constant, it must arise from something that is a constant as well. We know that the body we have now is not the one we had at birth. Also the thought we have at one moment is not the one in the next moment. Feelings are the impact of thoughts on body i.e. physical sensations. With the ever-changing nature of body and thought established, we have no doubt about the fleeting nature of feelings. So that brings us to the conclusion that our I-ness arises from the spirit of God because that is all that is left, right?

So here I go with some more crazy thinking: I am me because I am in essence one with God. This also holds good for you. Therefore, we are all good and share the same essence. This is our real nature. However we know that our behaviour really sucks at times. But this behaviour is just an external manifestation of thoughts and feelings. We have already concluded that thoughts and feelings are just fleeting phenomena. Therefore all our stupidity is just a passing cloud. In essence, we are all good – you, I, the whole truckload of people out there. Ergo, we are sharing one essence, full of goodness, and therefore there is no enemy. Only behaviour that really doesn’t work and that is okay because it passes. So again, I repeat, there is no enemy. Yes, I said it again. Please feel free to hit me with the nasty comments.

Better to be happy than right!

Pain is gain?

 

A sense of foreboding engulfed me.

With a heavy heart that cannot see,

I fumbled and tumbled to flee.

Soon darkness spread across the sea.

She was buried alive and so she wept

In the tomb of rationality whilst she slept.

Her cries were muffled, secrets kept

Her appearance grew more unkempt.

 

She lay still in the prison of unawareness

With no space for her ebullient playfulness.

She dared not reveal her tears

Or any of her pitiful lame fears.

Yet they could not wipe her out;

With her little resources she fought.

From her courage was wrought

The blade of pain that struck

Ceaselessly until they could not ignore.

It was no longer like before.

Now her silence was no more;

Her voice steadily grew into a roar.

The blade cut swiftly through reason

Pouring forth emotions exiled for treason.

The world stood still as she spoke

Thunderously through the clouds

Of confused thinking.

The condemnation was swift;

Between companions the rift

Was complete and love sent adrift

Upon the logs of piety

To appease an unknown deity,

Where it vanished in the sea of sadness.

As the blade grew no less sharp,

A scar that they could not wrap

Bled profusely through the polite crap

Of social etiquette and cultural trap

That the world felicitated with abandon.

 

There was no running away

As she beckoned now and then

Relentlessly and I heeded.

I peeked at her with reluctance

Approaching her with prudence

Initially shrinking with horror

From the crimson red dark terror.

With perseverance I realized

Her beauty and compelling reality.

Every time I saw her

My heart grew softer

Until it gave way to love.

With this renewed tenderness

I gazed upon her and held her close,

Longing to be one with her.

We stayed for eternity in our embrace

Knowing that she had my own face,

Was the living embodiment of my pain,

Until all that hurt bloomed into blissful gain.

Heaven on earth

 

Love, acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude are the ways in which we keep ourselves healthy. These are not great qualities that we want to foster to earn our place in heaven. These are living realities that we must shape in our lives for us to have the best of health physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually in the here and now. These are necessities that we cannot do without.

When a situation arises and we respond to it with an attitude of acceptance, the body does not needlessly go into a fight-flight mode. What does this mean? Usually whenever we deem a situation as not being in our favour, our body senses danger and the sympathetic nervous system is aroused. This is the part of our nervous system that is activated when we are in a state of stress or dis-ease. Our perspiration, heart rate, respiration rate, skin temperature, blood pressure all rise. Energy is released as we go into a state of alertness and our digestive system slows down. Our body prepares itself for either a battle or for running away. Either way, we are releasing adrenaline and such hormones that prime our body for action.

When we sense that the danger has passed and we are safe, our parasympathetic nervous system starts operating thus renewing our depleted resources and repairing our worn out body. However when we are in a constant state of resistance to whatever is happening in our life, in and out of daily arguments, there is no such rest periods for our body to renew itself. We are then in a state of constant activation of the sympathetic nervous system and our body is in a perpetual state of stress. Ultimately this wears the body down and we crash either physically or mentally or both. Migraines, backaches, anxiety, depression etc. are all various ways in which this dis-ease of the body and mind manifests itself. The way out is to face each moment with grace so that we can avert disease.

What you tell yourself each moment, determines how healthy you are eventually. So stay tuned in the frequency of love, acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude because these keep your body and mind in the pink of health.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Love heals. So this new year, I heartily welcome more love. I am constantly learning the art of love. Love to forgive oneself. Love to take care of oneself. Love to see the good intention in another. Love to move away from abusive situations. Love to protect oneself and others. Enough love to allow people who hurt to go through the consequences of their actions. Only love can bridge hearts. 

Love is also sweet fragrance of coffee in the morning. It is the gentle entwining of fingers with your beloved. It is the moment of silence that passes by without a care. It is the mellowing of the face in a soft smile when your eyes meet. Love is in the hearty laughter after a moment of silliness. It is in the eternal moment which the Lord holds for your homecoming. So this New Year, I am opening my heart for more love. Let it overflow. Wishing you all a wonderful year ahead full of love and best of health!!

The Fertile Soil

The soil eagerly prayed,
For the seed to be laid.
She had long been in turmoil,
With her many days of toil.
Though she was ploughed through,
Not a single sapling grew,
Only ugly worms burrowed through.

The soil yearned for his presence.
After a thousand years of penance,
There was yet no sign of grace,
Her heart was an empty space.
Into this void would he enter,
To be lodged in her heart's center?
An answer only he could render!

Suddenly the heavens burst forth,
With mighty thunder and froth.
Rain splattered heavily,
Lightning stuck her steadily.
As rocks were crushed into pieces,
Water splayed through her crevices,
She bore his caresses and teases.

Into this moment of creation,
Surrendering with renewed passion,
She unfurled her wily curls,
Going back and forth in twirls.
Heaven and earth were one,
And she had finally won
A fair place under the sun.

WHEN TWO WORLDS MEET

This is an age of expression. With the blooming of social media, people can increasingly reach out and communicate their deepest ideas to a wider audience at the click of a button. Is this the death knell for the introvert or is this the perfect time to be one?

Extraverts bloom in the presence of others whereas introverts peak when they are alone. Our educational, occupational, political, and corporate business systems all favour those who can mingle with ease and communicate effectively. Ergo, it is an extravert’s world. Some even view with suspicion and ridicule those who shrink from social contact. So it seemed that there was no space to be an introvert anymore. Then the lockdown happens. Social distancing is the new norm. People are able to interact with the outside world only through a technological interface. Have the tables turned?

Internal world vs. external world

Large families that are bursting at the seams offer no opportunity for seclusion. In schools, introverts are bullied. Their psychological boundaries are violated in the name of normalcy. There are of course introverts of various hues and degrees. Yet on the whole, they feel more deeply than extraverts. They also take in a lot more. They reflect more. Thus introverts end up expending a huge amount of energy. They feel drained in crowds. They feel overwhelmed by the enormity of their internal processing and have difficulty understanding their own emotions. Consequently they do not express their own needs.

Emotions offer us clues as to what we require. Extraverts interpret this information naturally and meet their needs readily. They also have much less data to deal with as they are not the quiet observers that introverts are. Therefore the world does not tire them out. They are energized by interactions with the outside world because this is where they can express and fulfil their requirements with ease. They are appreciated for the exuberance and vitality they display. They too come in all shapes and sizes. Introversion and extraversion lie on a continuum and we have people who are anywhere in between. However for the most part, extraverts have poorer understanding of the needs of others. Introverts on the other hand are attuned to other people to a greater degree and therefore offer empathy and support instinctively.

In short, extraverts know what their own requirements are but they struggle to figure out the needs of others. Introverts on the other hand excel in fulfilling the needs of others but are unaware of their own. Both have their place in the world and both succeed in their respective spheres of influence. Both are unique, precious and to be loved for who they are. Does this mean that change is not required and they just have to revel in their own strengths? This would have been true if it were not for the suffering.

SUFFERING

Extraverts suffer when their relationships fail because of their poor understanding of others. Introverts suffer when their own needs are not met because of their inability to identify and vocalize their own needs.

A WAY OUT

It is possible to end that suffering with awareness. Being present in the moment, observing self and others without judgment, both can ease their burden. By being mindful of the verbal and nonverbal behaviour of others, extraverts can overcome the deficit of empathy. By being mindful of one’s own body sensations and learning to interpret them as signals of requirements and learning to verbalize them, introverts can begin to fulfil their needs. A balance has to be cultivated in our mindfulness of our internal and external worlds. Extraverts are masters of the external world. Introverts are masters of the internal world. Both will benefit by gently turning the light of their awareness on their unfamiliar worlds. We stagnate when we do not face challenges. When we explore new worlds, our life expands and we discover new potentialities that help us soar higher into excellence.  

You are the missing piece!