The decision that washed away shame

 

I have been on the wall for a few years on this one. Should I let go of my memories of what people do or not? I decided long back that I would forgive everyone and I do. However, I still held on to the memory – keeping score of what people do or not. I was under the illusion that this would keep me safe. This was like a bank of info that I could access to predict whether people would bring me pain or pleasure. I would move towards or away accordingly. I debated internally whether this was useful or not. I don’t know how I deluded myself into letting this go on for such a long time.

I see the fallacy of this clearly now and also how it gave me the false sense of protection. We love unconditionally and freely. We expect nothing in return. This is our original nature. We are merrily tagging along the journey of life when some experience is so shocking and painful that we decide that we have to put our guard up. We have to protect “ourselves” from “them.” Sounds very logical. Yet this is the very rationale that created the hurt in the first place.

People injure others in order to prevent pain for themselves – pre-emptive strikes. All the violence around us emanates from fear of getting hurt and the need to protect self or loved ones or something precious to us. Wars are waged for this. Wealth is hoarded for this. All because at that one moment of shock of immense pain, we lose trust. Our body unable to cope with the horror of it, throws us back to a primitive animal like mechanism to survive. It is from this deep sense of fragility and fear that people injure others. It may wear the face of wanton cruelty, arrogance, narcissism etc. but deep inside this is the key issue that creates hurtful behaviour. The cycle of pain is propelled forward thus.

“What else can I do?” you may ask. “Shouldn’t I remember who will attack me or not? If I forget and hobnob with someone out to stab me in my back, won’t that be foolishness?“ It certainly appears so but in reality something else is going on. You, the spirit that has come from God is not diminished in the least by anything that happens. “What about my poor body and mind? you may ask. Yes, exactly. Your poor body and mind are the ones bearing the brunt of collecting and ruminating on those memories. It is challenging to heal from injuries but we do. However the memories that we hold on to inflict wounds every moment and this is what we do to ourselves. Our body/mind fall ill from that.

It is safer for us to let go than not. It is safer for us to keep our eyes open and be tuned to here and now than be immersed in 5D surround replays of a painful past or an anxious future. If we fall in a ditch because we are busy thinking of how to avoid the ways in which our enemy is going to attack us, who is to blame? I have let go. Simultaneously, I realized something else was also released. I was also keeping tabs on me and that is also now gone. No more shame or unnecessary guilt.  Just a rocking heart.

When my heart is open and full

 

I have just returned the night before from National Conference on Transactional Analysis at Kanha Shanti Vanam, Hyderabad. It is Monday morning and after the morning rituals and activities at home, I am settling down. Usually I begin my counselling at around this time. However, I have taken most of the day off to finish my unpacking, to fulfil my responsibilities at home, and to rest and recharge. At this time, I usually pick up my mobile to check on my messages and mails. I am jolted to find a client of mine messaging me asking if we have a session now. And then I remember!! I had not noted down the appointment in the rush of packing and preparing for the journey last week. I had forgotten that I was to meet the client now online. I check inside me immediately. There is profound peace that is not disturbed in the least by this information. In addition, a suggestion is now drifting up to the surface which says “speak the truth.”

I invite the client on an audio call and explain what had happened and apologize. Then I ask him how he is doing. I am relieved to know that he is maintaining his progress. Somewhere again, a suggestion comes up – “Use this mistake to demonstrate to the client that it is okay not to be perfect.” So, I do. The opportunity had been created for a live demo that who we are is not in the least tarnished by making mistakes. I become a model for my client to learn this lesson that it is okay to err and our “okayness” does not depend on getting everything “right” all the time. This struggle of needing to be perfect is creating the anxiety that is the key issue behind his suffering.

I am also relieved that God has healed my heart. Again the miracle of life and grace of God leave me astounded and tearful from gratitude.

  

Changing times

 

I grew up in a pluralistic Keralam that echoed Sri Narayana Guru's message of "whichever the religion, it suffices if it makes a better human being." It pains me to see this ethos fading. Fascism in the name of nationalism is still very insidious and imperceptible but we are slipping down slowly but surely. The signs are in the Islamophobic fake news in WhatsApp groups, mean remarks about migrant workers, changing palate, reluctance to openly denounce Israeli or American acts of war in the Middle East, snide remarks of threat of "love jihad" or religious conversion. The subtle shifts are evident everywhere if we have our ear to the ground. We may have dodged the bullet this election but the landscape is fast shifting. Malayalis have to work seamlessly across the religious divide to educate, to clarify, to dispel doubts and forge and renew our respect for each other. Unless we want a repeat of the mayhem that Bengal is witnessing now.

In search of that elusive peace

TOXIC – This is one of the words that I have heard the most from clients this year. People want peaceful lives. Seemingly a very reasonable expectation. Some place the locus of their demand on their external environment, others on their internal environment. “Why are these people disturbing my peace?” versus “Why can’t I control my mind and remain peaceful?

Life is full of experiences; whether we categorize them into internal or external, painful or pleasurable, life goes on. We are not able to. Our mind has a ground hog day, replaying endlessly in a loop the same scenarios, coming up with the same conclusions. Ultimately, we decide either we are not good enough to be with others or others are not good enough to be with us. We cut off or withdraw depending on our attitude. The result is the same – our world shrinks. The cause is also the same – the need to protect oneself.

I am not talking about genuinely abusive conditions where it is essential to get away and seek a safe abode. Unfortunately, people often fail to detect and take appropriate actions in such cases but that is a different story for a different day. Here, I am pointing to the trend of blocking and cutting people off at the drop of a hat. People build high walls not only around their houses and live in isolated gated communities but also have erected mammoth walls around their heart.

This is because we mistake a thought about who we are to be who we are. Thoughts are passing clouds. To derive our sense of self from thoughts is to identify ourself with something very fragile and fleeting. Hence the tremendous fear. The solutions to attain peace that arise from this fear-ridden mind are also quick fixes - seeking therapy to get rid of the uncomfortable emotions, getting rid of “toxic” people or getting away from them to avoid triggers.

The only lasting solution is to stay aware, acknowledge the difficult emotions and situations and keep acting appropriately. Engage and not disengage. When we do this, our identity shifts from a flimsy thought-based one to a much more deep-rooted awareness-based one. Unhelpful beliefs lose hold on us. We become open and trusting of the intelligence that sustains the universe. We live in acceptance. It is then that we heal. 

Let us walk on that path of healing together....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!