Signs of love

 

Is there an ideal love? If so, will it be the same for all? In childhood, we would certainly have convinced ourselves of such a possibility. We come from different parenting environments and life experiences. The rom-coms, family dramas, and fairy tales that we grow up on are after all, tales of love. Through these varied inputs, we create our definitions about self, others and the environment including love. As each person is moulded by unique influences, I propose that we all have our own version of what ideal love is. Our shared culture and humanity may bring with it some common elements however.

In the recent weeks, I have been drawn into such definitions through my counselling and training work. I had not given this much thought earlier. For me, love means to see a person as they are, to be open to their feelings and needs. I had scarcely given that definition a second thought as to its origin and significance. However as some clients poured out their stories of love, I began to see a pattern emerge.

For some, love means to be acknowledged and adored, for another it is a form of support, while a third thinks of love as a validation of their own personality. As I went over the material that was pouring out, I could see that these definitions reflected childhood experiences and incomplete needs that people were still carrying around from a very early age.  Our intrapsychic dynamics are truly reflected in our interpersonal relationships.

The struggles that we face not being able to realize our ideal love are the defining experiences that shape our personality and invite us to grow as a person. For me, this meant identifying and honouring my feelings and “seeing” myself. I learned to be self-aware and self reliant as a result. I also learned self-care.  Our challenges with finding ideal love bring us back to ourselves and help us realize that we have the capacity to give ourselves everything that we yearn for. We are endlessly reminded of our own resources. Only then, we stop looking outside and unleash our potential.

To understand that our idea of love is a vestige of our childhood yearnings can bring in some disillusionment. If we truly explore this to the fullest, it can also be liberating. Astonishingly this means acknowledging that the love we are experiencing now could be ideal too. Perhaps it does not fit our definition of ideal love but maybe it is someone else’s idea of it and isn’t it a blessing to have that? With the myriad contours love can take, this can mean that we are always surrounded by love in some form or the other. If we give up on the thought that our definition of love is the only one and attaining that is the only route to happiness, we may just open ourselves to a treasure trove of love and joy just waiting for us to dig in and enjoy!!