The Shift

As a tiny organism wailing helplessly to be picked up by giant caretakers, human babies are dependent. If the caretakers pay attention and appropriately acknowledge and meet the needs and feelings of the baby, the little one will grow up with a healthy attitude. However if the baby is neglected or overprotected, unhealthy attitudes can develop. Neglected/abused children may either rebel against the world or become dejected depending on the severity of the neglect or abuse. In our culture, we value parental care and protection to such an extent that overprotection and over-nurturing is not only condoned but encouraged blatantly and even lauded. People look at these children as having led a blessed life. Little do we know of their suffering. Being fed when the parent was hungry, being appreciated when the parent was happy, they have had no space to just be.  Never once have they learned to understand their own needs, desires, feelings or opinions. They float through life living the lives of others, feeling for others, meeting the needs of others. They are admired and appreciated by society for being so adapted, for having so little “ego” etc. In fact, their caretaking environment has encouraged such an adaptation as a way for them to survive the need of their caretakers to be powerful/manipulative/controlling. Especially damaging is if one of the parents is of a dominant/narcissistic/psychopathic personality and the other a submissive/dependent/passive-aggressive type. To offset the threat posed by the dominant parent, the child will adopt the behaviour of the submissive parent. This is encouraged actively by both parents unconsciously.

As they sail through life without setting any boundaries, they are taken advantage of, exploited, abused and maligned. At some point, the acute suffering may wake them up. At that time, they shed their docile nature and the anger modelled by the narcissistic/psychopathic parent takes over. Somehow, they feel they have collected enough suffering points to be rewarded a free angry outburst. The anger is a defense mechanism that compels them to set up boundaries and protect themselves from manipulation and exploitation. In that sense, it can be beneficial. However, from a passive communication style, they suddenly shift to an aggressive tone. As the fury rages through them and passes, they are hit by a sense of guilt with the critical parent in their head punishing them severely for their so-called transgressions. At this point, they develop depression or anxiety or both and physiologically also they may get ailments due to the protracted stress responses in the body. Counselling or therapy at this point can be incredibly beneficial.

They can be supported to become aware of their power and responsibility – power to make their choices and responsibility to go through the consequences of those choices. They can be guided to be assertive by paying attention to their own feelings and needs while balancing with an equal awareness of and respect for the feelings/needs of others. All of this requires effort to become aware – of self, others and the context. Especially challenging for them is the process of finding what they like or don’t like. Conversely, it can also be an exciting journey of self-discovery. At this point, they can break their shells and regain their autonomous nature and bloom into the beautiful beings that we are all meant to be.