The decision that washed away shame

 

I have been on the wall for a few years on this one. Should I let go of my memories of what people do or not? I decided long back that I would forgive everyone and I do. However, I still held on to the memory – keeping score of what people do or not. I was under the illusion that this would keep me safe. This was like a bank of info that I could access to predict whether people would bring me pain or pleasure. I would move towards or away accordingly. I debated internally whether this was useful or not. I don’t know how I deluded myself into letting this go on for such a long time.

I see the fallacy of this clearly now and also how it gave me the false sense of protection. We love unconditionally and freely. We expect nothing in return. This is our original nature. We are merrily tagging along the journey of life when some experience is so shocking and painful that we decide that we have to put our guard up. We have to protect “ourselves” from “them.” Sounds very logical. Yet this is the very rationale that created the hurt in the first place.

People injure others in order to prevent pain for themselves – pre-emptive strikes. All the violence around us emanates from fear of getting hurt and the need to protect self or loved ones or something precious to us. Wars are waged for this. Wealth is hoarded for this. All because at that one moment of shock of immense pain, we lose trust. Our body unable to cope with the horror of it, throws us back to a primitive animal like mechanism to survive. It is from this deep sense of fragility and fear that people injure others. It may wear the face of wanton cruelty, arrogance, narcissism etc. but deep inside this is the key issue that creates hurtful behaviour. The cycle of pain is propelled forward thus.

“What else can I do?” you may ask. “Shouldn’t I remember who will attack me or not? If I forget and hobnob with someone out to stab me in my back, won’t that be foolishness?“ It certainly appears so but in reality something else is going on. You, the spirit that has come from God is not diminished in the least by anything that happens. “What about my poor body and mind? you may ask. Yes, exactly. Your poor body and mind are the ones bearing the brunt of collecting and ruminating on those memories. It is challenging to heal from injuries but we do. However the memories that we hold on to inflict wounds every moment and this is what we do to ourselves. Our body/mind fall ill from that.

It is safer for us to let go than not. It is safer for us to keep our eyes open and be tuned to here and now than be immersed in 5D surround replays of a painful past or an anxious future. If we fall in a ditch because we are busy thinking of how to avoid the ways in which our enemy is going to attack us, who is to blame? I have let go. Simultaneously, I realized something else was also released. I was also keeping tabs on me and that is also now gone. No more shame or unnecessary guilt.  Just a rocking heart.

When my heart is open and full

 

I have just returned the night before from National Conference on Transactional Analysis at Kanha Shanti Vanam, Hyderabad. It is Monday morning and after the morning rituals and activities at home, I am settling down. Usually I begin my counselling at around this time. However, I have taken most of the day off to finish my unpacking, to fulfil my responsibilities at home, and to rest and recharge. At this time, I usually pick up my mobile to check on my messages and mails. I am jolted to find a client of mine messaging me asking if we have a session now. And then I remember!! I had not noted down the appointment in the rush of packing and preparing for the journey last week. I had forgotten that I was to meet the client now online. I check inside me immediately. There is profound peace that is not disturbed in the least by this information. In addition, a suggestion is now drifting up to the surface which says “speak the truth.”

I invite the client on an audio call and explain what had happened and apologize. Then I ask him how he is doing. I am relieved to know that he is maintaining his progress. Somewhere again, a suggestion comes up – “Use this mistake to demonstrate to the client that it is okay not to be perfect.” So, I do. The opportunity had been created for a live demo that who we are is not in the least tarnished by making mistakes. I become a model for my client to learn this lesson that it is okay to err and our “okayness” does not depend on getting everything “right” all the time. This struggle of needing to be perfect is creating the anxiety that is the key issue behind his suffering.

I am also relieved that God has healed my heart. Again the miracle of life and grace of God leave me astounded and tearful from gratitude.

  

Changing times

 

I grew up in a pluralistic Keralam that echoed Sri Narayana Guru's message of "whichever the religion, it suffices if it makes a better human being." It pains me to see this ethos fading. Fascism in the name of nationalism is still very insidious and imperceptible but we are slipping down slowly but surely. The signs are in the Islamophobic fake news in WhatsApp groups, mean remarks about migrant workers, changing palate, reluctance to openly denounce Israeli or American acts of war in the Middle East, snide remarks of threat of "love jihad" or religious conversion. The subtle shifts are evident everywhere if we have our ear to the ground. We may have dodged the bullet this election but the landscape is fast shifting. Malayalis have to work seamlessly across the religious divide to educate, to clarify, to dispel doubts and forge and renew our respect for each other. Unless we want a repeat of the mayhem that Bengal is witnessing now.

In search of that elusive peace

TOXIC – This is one of the words that I have heard the most from clients this year. People want peaceful lives. Seemingly a very reasonable expectation. Some place the locus of their demand on their external environment, others on their internal environment. “Why are these people disturbing my peace?” versus “Why can’t I control my mind and remain peaceful?

Life is full of experiences; whether we categorize them into internal or external, painful or pleasurable, life goes on. We are not able to. Our mind has a ground hog day, replaying endlessly in a loop the same scenarios, coming up with the same conclusions. Ultimately, we decide either we are not good enough to be with others or others are not good enough to be with us. We cut off or withdraw depending on our attitude. The result is the same – our world shrinks. The cause is also the same – the need to protect oneself.

I am not talking about genuinely abusive conditions where it is essential to get away and seek a safe abode. Unfortunately, people often fail to detect and take appropriate actions in such cases but that is a different story for a different day. Here, I am pointing to the trend of blocking and cutting people off at the drop of a hat. People build high walls not only around their houses and live in isolated gated communities but also have erected mammoth walls around their heart.

This is because we mistake a thought about who we are to be who we are. Thoughts are passing clouds. To derive our sense of self from thoughts is to identify ourself with something very fragile and fleeting. Hence the tremendous fear. The solutions to attain peace that arise from this fear-ridden mind are also quick fixes - seeking therapy to get rid of the uncomfortable emotions, getting rid of “toxic” people or getting away from them to avoid triggers.

The only lasting solution is to stay aware, acknowledge the difficult emotions and situations and keep acting appropriately. Engage and not disengage. When we do this, our identity shifts from a flimsy thought-based one to a much more deep-rooted awareness-based one. Unhelpful beliefs lose hold on us. We become open and trusting of the intelligence that sustains the universe. We live in acceptance. It is then that we heal. 

Let us walk on that path of healing together....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

When forms dissolve

 

I was talking with someone whose perception towards a loved one (LO) had changed. He experienced this as being very painful. He described himself as being so loyal to the LO that he would not have hesitated to kill or die for her. He was suffering from the classic symptoms of grief. He had a story in his head about who she is which collapsed when she behaved in a particular way. He then went through the culturally programmed process of grief. I invited him to recognize that his story about her had emerged from his unmet childhood needs which he readily acknowledged. The story then became a barrier which prevented him from recognizing her true nature or seeing her behaviour as it is. In the space that emerged when the story gave way, he now has the opportunity to see clearly. In the uncertainty of not having a definite idea about who the other is, he could stay live to what is.

I gently reminded him that his or her true identity is not a story. A story is a set of thoughts that run together. It could be about who we are, who others are, about situation, etc. When we observe, we become aware of it. Thus staying as the awareness that is observing, we recognize that story is an object of awareness and is thus a particular form. All forms by nature change. That a form can endure forever is a misconception that humans hold on to. From this misunderstanding, arouse the thought whether he would lose the form. From that fear came and the need to hold on to the form. When this was thwarted, arouse grief. When he realized all this and was reminded of his own true nature, grief gave way to peace.

This needs to be read with a bit of background knowledge on the nature of who we are. If we identify ourselves with the story in our head about who we are instead of our essence, we suffer. Recognizing ourselves as the awareness that observes is the beginning of freedom. Recognizing another as the same consciousness and seeing their behaviour without distortion is love.

We tend to forget our true nature and falsely identify with the stories in our head. All of us do that unless we are enlightened beings. To recognize that all dysfunctional behaviour arises from that forgetting is forgiveness.

The two modes of our mind

 

Our mind is versatile in that it has two modes of functioning: 1. Witnessing mode, 2. Immersed mode. Most of the time, a majority of people are in the immersed mode. Many are not aware of the existence of witnessing mode and do not use it consciously. At times, people fall into it and revert back without awareness. Spirituality and religious practices are by way of design intended to bring mind into a witnessing mode. However when done compulsively without knowledge, it does not serve that intention. When we function exclusively in the immersed mode, we are prone to emotional pain and suffering. The way out is to just switch our mode.

Immersed mode: People think and thoughts keep pouring in and out. We are so enamored by thoughts that they hold our attention exclusively. In immersed mode, we are so fused with our thoughts that our body responds to its content. Accordingly, we experience various body sensations and feelings. If the content of our mind is peaceful, our body feels at ease. On the other hand, mental turmoil is reflected by uncomfortable sensations in the body.

The content of our thoughts can be related to the present or could be of the past or future. Whenever the thoughts are related to the here and now, actions are more appropriate and we also feel more mentally energized and balanced. When past or future thoughts predominate, sadness or anxiety can arise respectively.

When we are convinced that thoughts are true and believe in them fully, our body and actions mirror its content. This can lead to inappropriate behaviour and affect even relationships adversely. This is the so-called “normal” human suffering. Yet so much of it is unnecessary and is perpetuated only because we do not know how to switch modes.

Witnessing mode: When we resolve to observe instead of getting involved in thoughts, we are witnessing. This mode can be easily attained by mindfulness or grounding. Without the jargon, this only means to start looking around – look at the space, listen to the sounds, feel your breath, and body sensations. You can also observe the thoughts come and go without engaging with them. When we start attending to the here and now through our various senses without our attention being fully taken up by thoughts, we start to switch. We do not resist any thought. We do not go along with any thoughts. We just stay as a witness to what is unfolding – thoughts, body sensations, stimuli in the environment. There is a feeling of not knowing. We can allow that to be and ease into it. This is a moment of freedom.

In the witnessing mode, thoughts do not linger. They float by like passing clouds. As long as we do not engage with the thoughts, they will not stay as our attention is the only energy that powers them. No matter what the circumstances are, this mode is ever accessible to us. Thus, we are at any moment potentially free from suffering. We are also in our most resourceful state in this mode. We can choose which thoughts we want to engage in. It is important to have a clear idea about our goals in life. Then we can observe the thoughts and choose to engage with thoughts that bring us closer to our goals while letting others go.

Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are assumptions we make about reality. They are not right or wrong in themselves. It is more helpful to categorize them as useful or not. Those thoughts that serve to realize our goals are useful. Otherwise, not. Once we know to switch to the immersed mode and have discernment in which thought is useful or not, we are utilizing our power.

Every thought we choose to fuse with, rides our attention and energizes itself impacting our body, emotions, and thus our actions. When we stay in immersed mode, we have no choice over what thoughts can possess us. This is the suffering of mankind. Yet, we always potentially have the power to be free. This is realized only when we switch to the witnessing mode.

In our daily lives, we take up so many roles – of worker, of parent, of spouse, of sibling, of offspring …. There are myriad situations that necessitate us to fuse with many thoughts. If we are aware and choose, we are versatile. Without awareness, we are but puppets in the hands of fate. This is like taking up a role in a drama and becoming so obsessed with the role and the mask that we wear for that role that we decide to go home wearing the mask. That would be absurd right? No more than how we carry around obsolete thoughts and fuse with them sacrificing our power and autonomy. Key is to recognize when to put on the mask and when not. That is freedom.

Thoughts about who we are can become a prison for us. We feel compelled to defend these stories in our mind. If I believe the thought that “I am honest,” then I must label a person who is not agreeing with my perception as dishonest. I have taken up a mask and pushed one on another person as well. Then we wage wars to uphold these masks. Such unnecessary suffering!

Who I am cannot be defined. As also every one else. To do so, is to deny our true identity. When we recognize that thoughts are not facts, when we switch to witnessing mode, we connect with who we are beyond stories and self definitions. We drop our masks. To be able to switch, to know when and how, this is a fine line to tread. Yet to do it is to fulfill our destiny as a human being. 

 

Welcome 2025!

 

It is New Year’s eve once again. It would be a cliché to say that it came too soon. Yet life does seem to be flitting by. We humans scatter hither and thither to make a living. I get several clients who come to me complaining of how lazy they are and enquire how they can motive themselves to become more productive. I look at how they spend their time and it usually turns out that they don’t have a minute to spare and are bursting at the seams with activities. Doing, doing and more doing. Compulsive doing. Then they find themselves browsing social media or Insta incessantly or falling ill which they call their “unproductive” time.

Our culture has created human robots who get anxious when they stop doing. I ask the clients about the narrative in their heads that spurs them on to keep doing. Invariably they recollect parents or teachers who spotted them as children enjoying a quiet moment of contentment or brilliant creativity and called it a “waste of time” and to quickly switch to studying which is “the stuff that matters.”  

Addictions are a coping strategy to get away from the pain of not feeling okay. Many grownups cannot spend a quiet moment anymore. We have come up with the term “boredom” to normalize this condition. So, we pride ourselves in having a hectic life. Yet deep within us there is the yearning to be, to just be. To connect intimately with the moment, with nature, with the life that pulsates through us. It is a state of still aliveness which I call “being.” The body-mind complex obliges for a while to meet the cultural pressures. Then its natural impulses gather force. There is a complete or partial breakdown as a result.

I usually startle my clients when I tell them that the remedy is to do nothing and connect with their innate creativity by feeling the life pulsating through them. They smile when I tell them that we are human being and not human doing. I also invite them to think of what is important to them in life. This New Year, I hope all of us can find our unique balance of being and doing, orient our doing in the way of our values and shine forth like the sparks of life we are.