The Shift

As a tiny organism wailing helplessly to be picked up by giant caretakers, human babies are dependent. If the caretakers pay attention and appropriately acknowledge and meet the needs and feelings of the baby, the little one will grow up with a healthy attitude. However if the baby is neglected or overprotected, unhealthy attitudes can develop. Neglected/abused children may either rebel against the world or become dejected depending on the severity of the neglect or abuse. In our culture, we value parental care and protection to such an extent that overprotection and over-nurturing is not only condoned but encouraged blatantly and even lauded. People look at these children as having led a blessed life. Little do we know of their suffering. Being fed when the parent was hungry, being appreciated when the parent was happy, they have had no space to just be.  Never once have they learned to understand their own needs, desires, feelings or opinions. They float through life living the lives of others, feeling for others, meeting the needs of others. They are admired and appreciated by society for being so adapted, for having so little “ego” etc. In fact, their caretaking environment has encouraged such an adaptation as a way for them to survive the need of their caretakers to be powerful/manipulative/controlling. Especially damaging is if one of the parents is of a dominant/narcissistic/psychopathic personality and the other a submissive/dependent/passive-aggressive type. To offset the threat posed by the dominant parent, the child will adopt the behaviour of the submissive parent. This is encouraged actively by both parents unconsciously.

As they sail through life without setting any boundaries, they are taken advantage of, exploited, abused and maligned. At some point, the acute suffering may wake them up. At that time, they shed their docile nature and the anger modelled by the narcissistic/psychopathic parent takes over. Somehow, they feel they have collected enough suffering points to be rewarded a free angry outburst. The anger is a defense mechanism that compels them to set up boundaries and protect themselves from manipulation and exploitation. In that sense, it can be beneficial. However, from a passive communication style, they suddenly shift to an aggressive tone. As the fury rages through them and passes, they are hit by a sense of guilt with the critical parent in their head punishing them severely for their so-called transgressions. At this point, they develop depression or anxiety or both and physiologically also they may get ailments due to the protracted stress responses in the body. Counselling or therapy at this point can be incredibly beneficial.

They can be supported to become aware of their power and responsibility – power to make their choices and responsibility to go through the consequences of those choices. They can be guided to be assertive by paying attention to their own feelings and needs while balancing with an equal awareness of and respect for the feelings/needs of others. All of this requires effort to become aware – of self, others and the context. Especially challenging for them is the process of finding what they like or don’t like. Conversely, it can also be an exciting journey of self-discovery. At this point, they can break their shells and regain their autonomous nature and bloom into the beautiful beings that we are all meant to be.

Oh poor me!

People think that they can spot a psychopath easily. It must be that cold-looking creep or bitchy lady. But surprisingly, most real-life psychopaths do not fit that cartoon-cliché. There is one tell however that is unmistakable. This is the pity party that the psychopath or malignant narcissist craves. Oh the drama, they yearn for. Oh their poor lives, oh, the horror of it all. Oh poor me! These people are bored. They need high levels of stimulation. For that reason, some psychopaths talk or eat incessantly. They want to fill that big hole of neediness inside them. Even if you worshipped the ground that the psychopath walked on, that love of yours will be like a tiny breadcrumb hurled at a deep bottomless chasm that can never be filled. Like blackholes, they suck you dry of your spirit and love and they look radiant in your reflected glow while you slowly shrivel up and crumble away.

They are always going on and on about how they have been wronged by so and so (usually dead scapegoats or prior victims). If you interrupt their constant bleak narrative to talk about some real unfortunate event in your life, you will either get a vacant stare at best or if you are a scapegoat, a taste of their rage. It is in these moments of great pain or need when people turn to the closest people in their lives that the true nature of the psychopath comes through. Most people are baffled. Suddenly things don’t add up. The psychopath is incapable of a true empathetic emotional response. Yes, they will use their intellect to mimic what they lack but they fall short by a mile in these unexpected situations where human warmth and compassion comes through for all normal people within microseconds without effort. In short, a psychopath is incapable of remorse or empathy – the very traits that make us human.