To err is human ..

Everyone has a different way of doing things and everybody makes mistakes. When living with other people, it is important to give them the room to err. If a home is to become a haven, a place to relax and rejuvenate, this is especially important.

I am not talking about major sins here, just common things like forgetting your mobile or spilling coffee. Home ideally is where someone is not breathing fire down your neck every time you make a silly mistake.

The intention behind correcting someone is mostly good but at home this assumes a whole new dimension and meaning. If a person is capable of doing something, for example, drink coffee 99 out of 100 days without spilling it then he/she has the right to mess it up at least one day without having to worry about it. This is not the time to jump in and teach them your perfect way of drinking coffee. What it will only serve is to make the other person feel impotent. It destroys their self esteem. Then he/she will have to constantly look over their shoulder for fear of being ridiculed or criticized and strive hard to be perfect in everything. That is the best case scenario. Mostly it serves to reinforce sloppy behavior and create resentment. It may even lead to complete indifference. Needless to say this causes a lot of unnecessary stress and deteriorating health.

Parents who behave like this will raise either a perfectionist or at the other extreme, an incompetent person who is incapable of assuming any responsibility for fear of failure. Spouses who do this will either be burdened with all the responsibilities or have partners who hate to come home.

All you have to do when someone makes a small slip is look the other way, pretend like it never happened. You refrain from taking the corrective action. Let them sort it out, make necessary adjustments themselves. What you are saying to the other person when you do this is that you trust them to make their own choices. This gives a boost to self confidence and creates a peaceful atmosphere. By letting small things slip by, mothers encourage innovation, free thinking, ability to experiment, think out of the box, and many such vital skills needed to be an exceptional person in their kids. In a marriage too such an attitude can work wonders. It promotes adventure, spontaneity, establishes respect and trust, and makes a loving home.

Growth Pangs

Truly the problem with reading a good piece is that it rubs off on you. It is a subliminal influence which is hard to shake off. This is true about matters beyond the world of books. A strong personality certainly evokes something in us that we cannot ignore. Our yearning for individuality and untainted success is such that we revolt against any outside force however benign it may be.

In teenage, when a young mind hitherto under parental domination strives to establish its cornerstones and defines its dimensions, this manifests itself as rebellion. The fear of not having a separate identity is very close to the fear of death as both are evoked by the threat of complete annihilation. A cornered animal in mortal fear will certainly fight back. So indeed an undeveloped mind supervised relentlessly by parental figures will lash out. It merely tries to assert its freedom, its right to exist, but in the face of what it perceives as continued subjugation, violence can erupt.

The time span in which an immature mind evolves into a fully developed one varies from individual to individual. There are late bloomers and early prodigies. Some never even grow up. Most do, by the end of the turbulent teenage years. For some it extends into their 20s or even 30s but growth is a necessity and the sheer agony of it persists until the process is completed.

Ideally the sole responsibility of a parent is to provide a fertile ground in which a young mind can grow fearlessly. The parent nourishes the blooming sapling with kindness and encouragement and pours love gently in adequate measures (remember! too much water and a plant will droop down and need a permanent support). Weeding out the garden is a complex process that should be undertaken with the utmost care but it is necessary and should not be shunned for fear of hurting the plant. An impressionable mind should similarly be discouraged from wayward behavior albeit tenderly. Each mind has unique needs and great attention is required to assess its qualities and requirements. Only an adult mind can nurture a fledgling and help it reach its potential. If parenting is attempted by an immature mind, its own deficiencies will get in the way of the young one’s growth and neither will be emancipated.

A mature mind is always an inclusive one. Having shed its fear of nonexistence, it now gains the strength to observe, learn, and assimilate from other minds without bias. No opinion however divergent from its own can shake it as a might oak will not be blown away by the evening breeze. Undaunted, it welcomes all life towards it and revels in its freedom to examine each idea closely; partakes in the varied joys of nature but yet retains its unique flavor. It becomes a source of shade, strength, and refuge for all.

O tender one,
A whole new world hides within you,
That is infinite, beautiful, and true;
Shed your fears,
Wipe away your tears,
And grow towards the sun.

The whole world waits breathlessly,
For you to advance into the light;
The earth guards you in a tight embrace,
The wind flows at a soothing pace.
With kind words that nudge you along,
With small hurdles that make you fight,
All life forms hover impatiently.

O gentle unborn,
Tire not, persevere.
The magnificent watches over you,
Gracious, irresistible and true.
Clasp firmly with your tiny hands,
This refuge that is so near.
Plant your roots deep,
With generous helpful deeds.
Relentlessly toil,
Enrich the soil,
This bountiful harvest you can reap,
When at last you go to sleep.

Religion of Peace

I condemn the violence perpetrated in the name of Islam. It is the duty of a Muslim living in any country to follow the law of the land. This is a solemn covenant which entitles all non-Muslims to the right to peace. It also means refraining from belittling whatever faith others follow. Unless there is great injustice and persecution and breaking of the covenant leading to complete subjugation of Muslims and inability to practice Islam, there can never be a call for a war. This completely overrides the flimsy logic of terrorists and exposes their un-Islamic justifications of violence.

My prayers and sympathies lie with the victims--ordinary people, both non-Muslims and Muslims--who die innocently in vain. I have great love for my country and I value the freedom and privileges that it offers and my endeavor like that of all Muslims would always be to make it a better place through education, Ahimsa (nonviolence), and other benign means.

The hand that rocks the cradle

What is the right age to impart sexual education to our children? I would say never too soon. Kids are exposed to all kinds of information coming at them through the visual media. If we wait as long as our parents did, it would be too late. Apart from these issues and the moral aspects, emotional education is also essential. Respect, trust, dignity--all of these precious qualities need to be instilled gently and the crux of the responsibility has to be borne by the parents. Centuries back, our schools bore the brunt of this burden but modern education has relinquished this awesome load.

Which school can teach humility now? The choice offered now is either we hog the limelight or let a bully take credit for our hard-earned success. This culture then extends into the workplace. If we choose to let our work speak for us, we are called dimwits! There are always people out there ready to advertise their strengths however little they may be and we always let them walk all over us. This has certainly led to a great crisis in politics in terms of genuine leaders qualified to take on problems and solve them. All top posts are grabbed by the crybabies while honest hardworking dudes languish at the bottom. Plastic surgery cannot cover up all the ugliness that lurks behind.

How many parents are teaching their kids that all that glitters is not gold? We need to teach our kids to recognize the true value of people and to guard against shallow pizzazz. Prepare your kids for the world, parents; truly the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.

Grain and chafe

I was sitting on the prayer mat after Fajr prayer (morning prayer) today when it occurred to me suddenly that the kind of people that a person is surrounded by and the situation a person finds himself in, both good and bad are there for a reason.

I think it is meant to be an education, a way to come closer to God, to enrich us with what we lack in ourselves, to sharpen a character trait in us which is yet to blossom. The faster we realize this and learn the lessons with enthusiasm, the easier the transition will become. I find this true in my own life.

I also learned the hard way that running away from people or situations does not help as it haunts you wherever you go. I tried at first to flee if I could not tolerate someone but to my consternation found myself in the company of other people with the same character flaws that I was trying so hard to abscond from. When I realized I had to take the bull by its horns, I could forge in me a certain quality that I had hitherto lacked and did not know was vital to my spiritual journey (i.e. life). Nowadays when I meet a challenging person, I do not hesitate to recognize his value in making me a better person and I try not to shy away from him (better said than done).

I would be content if I can remember God always for in the remembrance of God alone do hearts find true pleasure, everything else only temporarily excites but will eventually become a burden (again from experience!!!). So life is the great book that Allah unfolds before my eyes and I am a humble student trying to learn more.

A Fine Balance

There is a quiet cataclysmic wave sweeping through young middle-class Indian households shaking their budding marital lives to its foundations. At the root of this is the changing role of women in matrimony coupled with the reluctance of the Indian male to evolve.

In a typical middle-class family with global aspirations, girls grow up with equal opportunities as boys. In the race for academic excellence and thereafter successful careers, women are barely exposed to societal prejudices and limitations. Of course, along the way there is a faint realization of male hegemony but nothing prepares them for the shock of marriage and the sudden exposure to the blatant biases that follow.

The privileges and attention that a son-in-law enjoys stand out in sharp contrast with the duties and responsibilities that bog down a daughter-in-law. The bride’s family leaves no stone unturned in welcoming the groom into their household. Meanwhile the onus is on the girl to fit into the boy’s household. Overnight daughters have to blossom into meek demure ladies while sons too unrealistically have to metamorphose into gentle leaders ready to wield much domestic power. Needless to say both are unprepared to meet these expectations. The initial euphoria clouds these issues until suddenly they seem to manifest out of nowhere with the arrival of the first child.

The months spent out of employment, pre and post labour starve women of intellectual stimulation and intelligent company. This coupled with the usual postpartum depression and overt meddling by elders in the raising of the baby makes a deadly onslaught on a woman’s self confidence and independence. As the time to return to the job inches near, women find themselves torn between priorities.

Little does the new father realize that raising a child is not a skill that comes naturally only to the mother but is in reality like any other job which requires time and effort which he is as qualified as his spouse to take up or share in. So deeply ensconced is he in this myth that society has propelled for ages that he does not make any effort to contribute or falls disturbingly short of the requirements. He also fails to understand the reasons for the change in his spouse and retreats into the shell of his career trying to justify the aloofness with the added monetary burdens.

The solution lies in a fair division of labour and rotation of chores so that no one person is burdened with any mind numbingly monotonous task. There should be a realization that all responsibilities from going to the bank to changing the diaper can be done by either person. Having chartered a reasonable course of action, the pair should refrain from belittling each other or trying to push anyone’s style or method down the other’s throat. There will be some areas in which one person excels or fails miserably. After years of practice, in time a fair situation will be arrived at. I have seen a few couples who have been bold enough to make this quantum leap but in time hopefully this will become the norm and chauvinism will be a thing of the past. Until then bliss only belongs to those households where women have managed to carve their own niche in spite of the overwhelming odds by embracing the old adage that renunciation is the path to success.