We can’t heal what we can’t feel

Emotional pain is not something we can work through in a day and hope to live happily ever after. Pain appears when we least expect it. We don’t get to prepare for it. It just comes up as and when situations we deem as stressful arise in our lives spontaneously. These seemingly insufferable situations are the opportunities for healing. At these times, the pain comes up to the surface for us to engage with it. We can’t heal what we can’t feel. So we allow ourselves to feel deeply. Whatever the emotion be. We feel the physical sensations. All the while gently reminding ourselves that we are consciousness itself and not the sensations or thoughts that arise in it. Rooted in our awareness, we go about our lives as usual. This is the only preparation that is required. And suddenly the pain comes up and we say “Ok, you too are part of this NOW. Hello! What message do you bring?” Meanwhile we keep cultivating positive growth-oriented thoughts that can reap rich dividends in the form of goal-oriented appropriate behaviour. Let our every step be purposeful. Oriented towards our spiritual and personal goals. When we focus on the positive, healing will still take place in the background naturally. It is going to happen intermittently. It is part of your daily life. So just ease into the present moment. Don’t be in a hurry to just get it over with. Just allow everything to be and flow peacefully with life.

Try grabbing with open hands!

I have often wondered about the way Muslims do dua - open hands raised up. Sitting here in my living room, taking in the fresh breath of a new dawn, an idea downloaded into my mind. Thought of sharing it with you:

As a personality, I feel that I am continuously being made and unmade. Sometimes being stripped to the very core. Sometimes embellished with patterns of thinking, feeling or behaving that I never knew existed in me. So also the other objects in life - beauty, disease, health, wealth, poverty, skills, etc. come and go. Things people perceive as painful are easier to let go of for obvious reasons. Of course there are also addictions to certain painful stimuli that people can develop. But for the most part, people are more attached to the objects of pleasure. But life is evanescent. These objects fade in and out like the words on a ppt. Perhaps the hands remain open when in prayer as an indication of this constant flow. Instead of clasping what we receive and refusing to let go, we ought to keep those hands open to allow these blessings to grace our lives as well as ready to let them flow out with ease when their time runs out. It is scary for the egoic personality to really accept the fleeting nature of these objects. But fear and grief does not touch upon the deeper part of us - our essence. By remaining centered in that part of us that remains unchanged - consciousness - we surrender to what is in peace. How to connect to that stable part? Stay in the NOW, follow your breath, feel your bodily sensations, become aware of your awareness and root yourself there. God bless. 

Temple of our soul

Each moment our body is sensing various stimuli and sending messages to our brain. If we stay alert and rooted in the present moment, we can become aware of these sensations. They hold vital clue as to how our body is responding to the environment. When our mind is floating to the past and future, we  remain ignorant of this important information and thus our behaviour will not be situation-appropriate.

To illuminate this, let us consider a scenario: Manjula is a 30-year-old married woman who works from home. Her mother-in-law (MIL) is very socially active and has countless guests dropping in. Before raising her awareness, Manjula used to be at the beck and call of her MIL. She would be asked to entertain and feed and humour the guests. Even though she had countless other affairs to attend to, she would oblige (passivity - overadaptation). Consequently, her physical, mental and emotional health would suffer and she fell ill often. After Manjula started practicing moment-to-moment awareness, her behaviour changed. When she began paying attention to her physical sensations, she understood that she resented these intrusions upon her time and energy. Her shoulders were tense, jaw was clenched. As a result of understanding the needs of her body and mind, she established clear limits to the amount of time she would spend with her MIL's guests. It would be just enough to be courteous but not so much that it would intrude upon her life. She no longer felt like a Victim. She reclaimed her rightful power and hardly ever fell ill again.

When we ground ourselves in the NOW and are in touch with our body, we have access to the intelligence of our body. Our body becomes our friend when we respect its needs. And it will support us beautifully through life. 

A blessed new year!

Looking back at this vanishing year, my heart swells with gratitude. I feel blessed to have shared time and space with so many amazing people. Yes folks, I refer to each one of you who have stepped into my life even if briefly.

People unfold in all shades and colors. This is the beauty of life. At our very core resides perfection. In each person, this light shines through in varying hues and magnitude. And we traverse the river of life in a journey of perfecting the manifestation of that light.

At times, the light waxes and wanes in all. But we who serve the light will hold our wings of compassion over those flames that flicker so that the rainy day may pass and the light may dazzle anew another sunny day. As a fresh year blooms, may we all be blessed in perfecting our radiance!

Thank you all for your presence and kindness. Peace to all! Happy New Year!!

Existential angst

I thought I would just rant about the impossibility of being me. But then I started thinking "hey is this statement factually correct?" And all the steam went South.

Can't write a single solid opinion before a plethora of counterarguments rush into my brain! Let's see what happens when I start thinking about one tiny weenie viewpoint about some topic. Immediately that just melts into a hotpot of a thousand views with the whole 360 degree scan going round and round in my brain.

I am so jealous of people who are so sure of "this is the only way it can be." Wow! I can't even decide who I should support in a conventional hero-villian movie. I mean honestly the villian isn't all blameworthy nor is the hero all blameless. Don't grill me! I see only in shades! I have never met an evil person. Nor have I met a good person. I see a lot of shades of grey.

If someone decides to take me along to argue their point in a debate they are gonna have, they are done for. I am nodding my head to both sides of the argument. It is like I step out of my skin- the little ol me- and go footloose and fancy-free into the big world of infinite possibilities. And everything seems plausible.

It gets so bad sometimes that I wonder how any word can be spoken out aloud. Such inadequate representations of reality. This is why I love silence. It is so wholesome.

It is just insufferable to be me. Wait, that ain't totally right... Well here I go again..

The silent song

How would you hear the song of my heart
If your soul was not open to it?
The symphony of my love falls on deaf ears
The myriad hues of my warmth and compassion
Drowned out by your emotional blindness
It does not matter if I weep silently or aloud
Your heart can feel neither my joy nor pain.
Days and nights go on in vain
This silence driving me insane.
Like little clouds dispersing in a breeze
This heavy feeling too will cease.
Then life will go on as before
Like busy crabs trailing ashore.

APD and symbiosis

Here, APD refers to both antisocial personality disorder as well as the person who has that personality disorder. It is characterized by a blatant disregard for the rights and sensitivities of the other, violation of social norms and in extreme cases even criminal laws. In this article, I describe the garden-variety APD – the noncriminal APD. These masquerade as victims and feed on the energy, time, vitality and well being of others around them. Hence I refer them to as wolves and their victims as sheep.

At first, APD wolf establishes symbiotic relationship with the primary sheep. The primary sheep is the current central victim – the source of vitality from whom the APD will receive strokes, recognition and satisfaction. This could be a singular person or a group of persons. There will always be plenty of secondary sheep and a particularly unfortunate candidate called the scapegoat.

APDs can smell blood. Meaning, they generally have more than average intelligence and are usually keen observers of human nature. They use this to fit in and pick on the ones suitable for their feeding. The gimmick that falls for the APD con is the need to nurture, contribute, to be appreciated and recognized. The primary sheep will have negative NP. Or the primary sheep may be having self doubt and questioning own worth or reason for existence. APD’s Child immediately recognizes the chance to have a symbiotic relationship. In the first order symbiosis, the APD Child establishes a symbiotic union with the Parent and Adult of the primary sheep. APDs do not have an NP. They also briefly experience psychosis. In the secondary symbiosis, the P1 and A1 of APD bonds with C1 of the primary sheep. The primary sheep’s somatic Child derives satisfaction from the attention of the P1 and A1 of the APD. The nurturing provided by the APD is therefore over the top and has a dramatic quality to it. It is also ridden with magical thinking. There is also plenty of manipulative behaviour from the LP of the APD to keep the primary sheep in custody.

First off, the primary sheep will be charmed. Bombarded with strokes. There will be outlandish praises. Key areas of weakness in the primary sheep will be immediately noted by APD and exploited with vigor. APD presents as a victim. Usually complaining of neglect from other family members. Or sweeping primary sheep off their feet with the APD’s carefully constructed aura of vulnerability. The APD confesses some weakness which they are sure that only the primary sheep can cure them of. They will beg, implore and lure the primary sheep’s ego to hook into its need to feel important and competent. The primary sheep will be convinced that all others have failed the APD and they alone will be able to offer APD the magic cure. “Poor little APD! What a cruel world! If only others showed more understanding. I will help you. I will give you the attention that you need. I will cure you, blah, blah.”

For the APD, this is a well-orchestrated game that they have played over their entire lifetime. Many are the primary sheep who had their vitality sucked up, shriveled and died. Thus casting them away after their use, APD moves on from sheep to sheep.

Meanwhile the primary sheep is in ecstasy. The APD shows signs of improvement. They shower the primary sheep with praise. “You have finally done what others could never do. I am changing. I am making progress. Blah, blah.” Primary sheep’s ego is satisfied. But they never know that this game of “getting well” has been enacted countless times and will never reach the expected outcome.

The APD upholds for others and in their own mind a false self image. “A poor defective person trying hard to survive, needs help. Oh help me! They are rejecting me. Please save me.” They are great players of Wooden leg, Stupid, Poor me n “gee you are wonderful.” They are parasites looking to feed on the other person’s generosity, time, and energy. They even use religion to give themselves a saintly aura. They want to cruise through life doing nothing worthwhile but always giving off the image of striving hard. A true Try Hard-er. At worst, the APD appears to the others as an eccentric person, mildly irritating but nevertheless harmless. “Oh the poor sod!” But no! The APD is a vampire and very dangerous.

They will stab the primary sheep behind their back just for the fun of it. They will spread rumours of the primary sheep’s incompetence and may even ruin their career or family life all the while smiling and praising them. After the initial blitzkrieg of strokes that suit the primary sheep’s stroking profile, genuine strokes will be hard to come by. This shoddy behaviour is especially reserved for the one referred to as the scapegoat. They will sing songs of praise about areas that the sheep does not care about. This makes the APD look like a nurturing saint to the general sheep. Meanwhile after 10 plastic strokes, APD will give one counterfeit that pokes the goat straight in the sorespots. Nobody will notice. Even the scapegoat will be left gasping. This is a great boost of energy for the APD. This satisfies the APD’s need for drama. Their stimulus, structure, incidence, contact, and recognition hungers are very high. They need constant drama. The primary sheep will be fattened up and may not notice the cruelty of the APD. The scapegoat suffers silently. They have no words to describe what is going on. It is all so subtle. It is in the tone and nonverbals, and happens behind close doors.

APDs take away precious time and resources that could have been spent on another well-deserving person. APD gives off the image of being extremely caring with their P1 in overdrive. But at best, it is like a kid playing mother or father. Their care is insidiously oppressive n engulfing. They violate boundaries with impunity. They have no respect for personal space. Your attention is fully theirs to enjoy. Any deviation even if it is for your basic necessities will be perceived as an aggressive act. This will turn on the vengeful Child of the APD. An APD scorned is a force to reckon with. They will not finish off the primary sheep as they need to continue to feed on them. But the scapegoat will be punished mercilessly. Their reputations maligned. Their weakness exposed and laughed at. The APD will befriend and recruit the allies of the scapegoat to kick the scapegoat. The very people scapegoat worked hard all their lives to bond with, will at the behest of the APD, hurt the scapegoat. APD’s ogre will be unleashed.

APD is a disorder of the will. The lack of will to switch on their empathy. The lack of will to behave decently. The lack of will to care for the feelings of others. The lack of will to play a benevolent role in society. The lack of will to contribute anything selflessly. The lack of will to work towards goals. Instead they immediately go for the easy way. The manipulative behaviour to make others do all the hardwork and feed on their resources comes naturally to the APD. These people seem to have open-ended scripts. They have something I call negative Be Perfect and Please Others. They don’t have the skill or will to be perfect or please anyone for any significant amount of time. But they are notoriously good at picking on the faults of others and encouraging others to please them. If the APD is not pleased, a tantrum is inevitable. Or silent rage. Or withdrawal. An attempt at suicide. Anything to get the primary sheep to put out and start feeding again. Or they will do these things anyway, just to enjoy the drama of it. They love these negative strokes and negative feelings. It makes them feel alive. Their optimum arousal level is way too high. So they need a huge boost to feel anything.

This is hard on everyone around them. APD cannot be counted upon. They will not remain stable. They will not do anything really significant. They are good at putting on a show of doing a lot. But usually they will recruit the scapegoat to do all the work and to take on all the blame. They themselves on the other hand want to cruise along, enjoy the limelight, play “Poor me” and feed on the generosity of all they can deceive.

APD say what they never do and what they do they never say. And they are great at first impressions. If they don’t appear competent or charming, they will at least come off as that poor person who you would so like to help out. They have practiced this routine countless times. They have built this self image over a life time. They are ready to hook in to you. Just turn the other way and run as fast as you can.