I

I long for solitude.
The world deems this a limiting attitude!
But I exist only
In the intervening quiet spaces
That elude them.

Amidst the barrage of tumbling words,
In the silence that hangs like a Damocles sword,
I find my salvation.
Neither an object nor a subject to be
I just am.

Nothing sticks to me:
Not even ties of love or hate
Not even the threat of an unknown fate.
I flow invisibly
Gathering no moss
Incurring no loss
Blissful and free.

An archaic letter

Dear grownup,

I prevaricate. Did u have to look up the dictionary to make sense of that? Ya, that's typical me. U hav to do a lot of hard work to decipher me. I speak in long-winded noncommittal sentences in low tone so that I can express myself but I don't have to face the risks that arise from being understood clearly. This is how I survived childhood. I was sure to get hurt if I expressed any emotion, opinion or need with clarity. So I made it very difficult for anyone to understand me. This way I could say what I wanted to but nobody would reject me for expressing myself.

I came upon this idea by chance. A few times I mumbled incoherently when mom asked me something. She couldn't really make sense of anything so she put her own words into it, made it her own and she was happy with it. This way I could say anything and she would be happy. Yay, jackpot, I thought. If I stick with this style, I will never get hurt. It was very funny how people read their own desires and needs into their interpretation of what I said. Grownups would come n ask a question and then they would rephrase it n say "so u said .....huh?" and I would nod. Or even better, I would repeat their version of it aloud. Mostly what they said reflected their own wants. Even then I was amused to note that. I learn a lot about people that way.

I do the same when I write. I use esoteric words. My dialogues are evasive. Poetry is even better. I have written about all my turmoils in my poems. My pain stares right at you in the complex imagery and metaphors yet you would not understand a thing. I hide in plain sight. Wil u ever catch me? If u do, wil u hold my hand or wil u reject me as they did?

Yours sincerely,

Child

Being ok with uncertainty

Ability to tolerate ambiguity is an essential part of every creative process. In that blessed moment at least, we are nothing but awareness examining the contents of our inner psyche or outer world with studied aloofness. Nothing is left unquestioned. Inner and outer worlds fuse together into one entity – content. All that is left is the process of being aware and the content it becomes aware of. Suddenly there are only two parts to our experience of life – awareness and content.

No thought is a hindrance unless it ossifies into an identity. Identification breeds attachment and with that fetters are placed on infinite potential. Suddenly the promising bubble of possibilities pops into a person. Limitations abound. Ideas are lost in the jungle of mundane ‘I’ thoughts. Reluctance to let go of any content becomes a stumbling block to the creative process. Ideas that overstay become identities that weigh down our options, cloud our minds. New stories can be written only on blank pages. Prejudices and pet notions are like overcrowded margins and ink-stained pages that mar any fresh writing. Attachment is a bane that suffocates the creative soul.

At the moment of creativity, we cease to be a person. All limitations of thought, feelings and personality are abandoned with compassion. We become okay with not knowing. We willingly fall into the abyss of nothingness. Floating free, we are pure awareness gazing at the work of the Creator. It is a moment of overwhelming beauty.

Happy New Year!!

Dear Friend,

It has been a great pleasure to have you in my life. Thank you. The past year has been part of the grand adventure of life - exploring, finding meaningful connections and evolving. I made a promise to myself some time ago to not take things too seriously and let life unfold unfettered. Have I honoured it? Well ….

There has been many a time when the business of life seemed overwhelming. Yet in part due to that earlier resolution, I have allowed events to unfold without too much resistance. This decision helped tremendously to stay grounded. As years roll on, I have become better at it. Now the thought of opposing the current of life seems so counterintuitive. The river of life flows beautifully with pristine precision and I am no longer a tiny speck of rock relentlessly trying to curb its momentum. I am swimming with the tide, cheering her on.

I do not remember when I made this cognitive switch but boy am I glad I did! I want to clear some myths that the idea of surrendering to life invokes in most people. I have not given up on making plans, being responsible, standing up for my rights, having fun or working hard to achieve goals. Being OK with life is just to stop wasting my energy trying to block something that has already happened. This leaves that energy open for effective problem-solving and so much more. This means that if something I don’t like happens, I don’t ruin precious moments of my life ruing over the injustice of it. I acknowledge the event and my feelings over it. Then I take creative action. A part of this journey has been the lesson of forgiveness.

Have I perfected this? Of course not. But I forget less now by God’s grace. So what now? Who knows? It’s a great mystery and I am all set to go. All I know is that I am in perfect hands. Ever grateful to the One who never lets go. And thank you so much for being part of this grand journey. Wishing you a wonderful year ahead full of love, joy, prosperity, peace and good health…

Thehseen

Are u a human being?

There are two parts to us - human and being. These correspond to the form and formless or evanescent and permanent in us. Being (verb) is our very essence - consciousness itself. Is my consciousness different from yours? At this level, we are all essentially one. Have u ever been at a task so vigorously and then after its completion taken that moment of rest? For a little while, our thoughts almost shut down and we r very present - in the moment. And it feels so good. Why? Because all our love n happiness and goodness flows from 'being' and we r closest to feeling it purely in the NOW, with our thoughts fading away.

Human is the ever-changing body-mind complex. Our particular combination of body n thoughts and feelings (which are reflection of thoughts on our body) provide a unique albeit limited experience in consciousness and is therefore invaluable. But in itself, human is a surface self of disparities made coherent only by 'being.' Ignoring being gives a superficial existence full of strife n suffering. Ignoring human results in a blissed out impractical state. Only when we become aware of both are we a human being.

Being right does not guarantee a good life

At a time when abuse victims are labeled antisocial for looking sad, when asking civic authorities to restrain rabid dogs that are eating babies is construed as animal rights violation, when Dalits protesting against discrimination are denounced as casteist n antinational, it becomes clear that being right neither guarantees justice nor peace of mind.

Complain twice about some transgression and you are sure to be blamed as suffering from a 'victim mentality.' We can cry ourselves hoarse with hurt but we can expect nothing more than being prescribed an antidepressant. So what to do, in these times, when victims are punished twice, first with the crime and then taunted for being too sensitive, impractical, and not moving on?

Are you waiting for corrective action or justice to start living n smiling again? Have you postponed your happiness expecting it to arrive when you finally extricate yourself from some sticky situation? An entire lifetime may pass you by in that state of suspended animation.

So what can we do to reclaim our lives if we cannot get justice or be saved immediately from people who hurt us?

By all means, continue to strive for justice and safety and reaching out for help but in the meanwhile there is something we can do to bring happiness back into our lives. We have to heal ourselves. By feeling our pain fully and then letting it go. We let go of our hatred to those who harm us because the hate is hurting only us and hijacking our lives. In that space of forgiveness (does not mean what was done to us was right or we are denying justice, karma wil catch up), we find our heart at ease once again. For the greatest injury that was done to us was not the abuse itself but the dis-ease (burden and hatred) that entered our hearts at the moment of abuse. By letting go, we do not do the people who hurt us any service. We save ourselves, our souls. We find the expanse in our heart, that quiet stillness in which compassion can flow again. We become the love that we need. We are no longer under anyone's control. No action of another can thwart our tranquility. We hav the peace to function at our highest level. We dont waste time or energy running stories of hurt in our heads. We hav all the energy to chase our dreams and reach our highest potential. We thrive. It is not an easy thing to do but it can be done. What other choice do we have? No one else can do it for you. You hav to feel your pain. You hav to heal your heart. You have to do your work. But at the end of it, it is worth every bit!!

A writer's meditation

A writer needs to venture out into the world, fearlessly absorbing the multitude of sights, sounds and scents that it offers. In the cauldron of the writer's mind, those stimuli combine their flavours to brew intoxicating narratives.

Writing is mostly done in seclusion. When the ripened ideas present themselves for plucking, a background of stillness is essential to detect those delectable delights.

Once the writer has given birth to the offspring of lengthy contemplations, it is time to again mingle with the people. For it is only there, amidst the myriad hues of life and bustling rowdiness of awkward emotions and contradictory opinions that great tales lie dormant, ready to possess the writer's psyche.

Any seed will grow verdant in the fertile soil of the writer's imagination and many a canvas will be adorned with any flowery discourse. Yet, the writer must arduously select the perfect germ. The crucial criterion for inclusion is whether those ideas will be of service to humanity. Will they enrich our culture and enhance our level of awareness? Or will they be an unenlightened repertoire of human vanity that pollutes our minds and dulls our senses?

The writer must therefore guard the sanctity of the inner sanctum. Once the deity has been chosen with great deliberation, the writer's meditation commences. Fierce forces clash mercilessly in the inner arena. Many fallacious Titans are annihilated. Many a duplicitous idea sacrificed at the altar of integrity. In time, the nectar of inspiring vignettes pour unabashedly into virgin pages making readers ecstatic.