Dear grownup,
I prevaricate. Did u have to look up the dictionary to make sense of that? Ya, that's typical me. U hav to do a lot of hard work to decipher me. I speak in long-winded noncommittal sentences in low tone so that I can express myself but I don't have to face the risks that arise from being understood clearly. This is how I survived childhood. I was sure to get hurt if I expressed any emotion, opinion or need with clarity. So I made it very difficult for anyone to understand me. This way I could say what I wanted to but nobody would reject me for expressing myself.
I came upon this idea by chance. A few times I mumbled incoherently when mom asked me something. She couldn't really make sense of anything so she put her own words into it, made it her own and she was happy with it. This way I could say anything and she would be happy. Yay, jackpot, I thought. If I stick with this style, I will never get hurt. It was very funny how people read their own desires and needs into their interpretation of what I said. Grownups would come n ask a question and then they would rephrase it n say "so u said .....huh?" and I would nod. Or even better, I would repeat their version of it aloud. Mostly what they said reflected their own wants. Even then I was amused to note that. I learn a lot about people that way.
I do the same when I write. I use esoteric words. My dialogues are evasive. Poetry is even better. I have written about all my turmoils in my poems. My pain stares right at you in the complex imagery and metaphors yet you would not understand a thing. I hide in plain sight. Wil u ever catch me? If u do, wil u hold my hand or wil u reject me as they did?
Yours sincerely,
Child
I prevaricate. Did u have to look up the dictionary to make sense of that? Ya, that's typical me. U hav to do a lot of hard work to decipher me. I speak in long-winded noncommittal sentences in low tone so that I can express myself but I don't have to face the risks that arise from being understood clearly. This is how I survived childhood. I was sure to get hurt if I expressed any emotion, opinion or need with clarity. So I made it very difficult for anyone to understand me. This way I could say what I wanted to but nobody would reject me for expressing myself.
I came upon this idea by chance. A few times I mumbled incoherently when mom asked me something. She couldn't really make sense of anything so she put her own words into it, made it her own and she was happy with it. This way I could say anything and she would be happy. Yay, jackpot, I thought. If I stick with this style, I will never get hurt. It was very funny how people read their own desires and needs into their interpretation of what I said. Grownups would come n ask a question and then they would rephrase it n say "so u said .....huh?" and I would nod. Or even better, I would repeat their version of it aloud. Mostly what they said reflected their own wants. Even then I was amused to note that. I learn a lot about people that way.
I do the same when I write. I use esoteric words. My dialogues are evasive. Poetry is even better. I have written about all my turmoils in my poems. My pain stares right at you in the complex imagery and metaphors yet you would not understand a thing. I hide in plain sight. Wil u ever catch me? If u do, wil u hold my hand or wil u reject me as they did?
Yours sincerely,
Child
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