The decision that washed away shame

 

I have been on the wall for a few years on this one. Should I let go of my memories of what people do or not? I decided long back that I would forgive everyone and I do. However, I still held on to the memory – keeping score of what people do or not. I was under the illusion that this would keep me safe. This was like a bank of info that I could access to predict whether people would bring me pain or pleasure. I would move towards or away accordingly. I debated internally whether this was useful or not. I don’t know how I deluded myself into letting this go on for such a long time.

I see the fallacy of this clearly now and also how it gave me the false sense of protection. We love unconditionally and freely. We expect nothing in return. This is our original nature. We are merrily tagging along the journey of life when some experience is so shocking and painful that we decide that we have to put our guard up. We have to protect “ourselves” from “them.” Sounds very logical. Yet this is the very rationale that created the hurt in the first place.

People injure others in order to prevent pain for themselves – pre-emptive strikes. All the violence around us emanates from fear of getting hurt and the need to protect self or loved ones or something precious to us. Wars are waged for this. Wealth is hoarded for this. All because at that one moment of shock of immense pain, we lose trust. Our body unable to cope with the horror of it, throws us back to a primitive animal like mechanism to survive. It is from this deep sense of fragility and fear that people injure others. It may wear the face of wanton cruelty, arrogance, narcissism etc. but deep inside this is the key issue that creates hurtful behaviour. The cycle of pain is propelled forward thus.

“What else can I do?” you may ask. “Shouldn’t I remember who will attack me or not? If I forget and hobnob with someone out to stab me in my back, won’t that be foolishness?“ It certainly appears so but in reality something else is going on. You, the spirit that has come from God is not diminished in the least by anything that happens. “What about my poor body and mind? you may ask. Yes, exactly. Your poor body and mind are the ones bearing the brunt of collecting and ruminating on those memories. It is challenging to heal from injuries but we do. However the memories that we hold on to inflict wounds every moment and this is what we do to ourselves. Our body/mind fall ill from that.

It is safer for us to let go than not. It is safer for us to keep our eyes open and be tuned to here and now than be immersed in 5D surround replays of a painful past or an anxious future. If we fall in a ditch because we are busy thinking of how to avoid the ways in which our enemy is going to attack us, who is to blame? I have let go. Simultaneously, I realized something else was also released. I was also keeping tabs on me and that is also now gone. No more shame or unnecessary guilt.  Just a rocking heart.