Welcome 2025!

 

It is New Year’s eve once again. It would be a cliché to say that it came too soon. Yet life does seem to be flitting by. We humans scatter hither and thither to make a living. I get several clients who come to me complaining of how lazy they are and enquire how they can motive themselves to become more productive. I look at how they spend their time and it usually turns out that they don’t have a minute to spare and are bursting at the seams with activities. Doing, doing and more doing. Compulsive doing. Then they find themselves browsing social media or Insta incessantly or falling ill which they call their “unproductive” time.

Our culture has created human robots who get anxious when they stop doing. I ask the clients about the narrative in their heads that spurs them on to keep doing. Invariably they recollect parents or teachers who spotted them as children enjoying a quiet moment of contentment or brilliant creativity and called it a “waste of time” and to quickly switch to studying which is “the stuff that matters.”  

Addictions are a coping strategy to get away from the pain of not feeling okay. Many grownups cannot spend a quiet moment anymore. We have come up with the term “boredom” to normalize this condition. So, we pride ourselves in having a hectic life. Yet deep within us there is the yearning to be, to just be. To connect intimately with the moment, with nature, with the life that pulsates through us. It is a state of still aliveness which I call “being.” The body-mind complex obliges for a while to meet the cultural pressures. Then its natural impulses gather force. There is a complete or partial breakdown as a result.

I usually startle my clients when I tell them that the remedy is to do nothing and connect with their innate creativity by feeling the life pulsating through them. They smile when I tell them that we are human being and not human doing. I also invite them to think of what is important to them in life. This New Year, I hope all of us can find our unique balance of being and doing, orient our doing in the way of our values and shine forth like the sparks of life we are.

 

Work-life balance

 

In an era when work has quietly entered our homes and personal spaces after the advent of Covid, it has become increasingly difficult to delineate where and when work ends and personal life begins. Without a clear physical boundary to highlight that transition, often we wander aimlessly in a purgatory of switching seamlessly from workspace in our laptops to YouTube videos in an instant. We lament that there is no time. We yearn for the closure of switching off our laptops and coming home to relax.

It is important to know what we are capable of and what we require to start setting those boundaries up. Self awareness is key. Some important questions to ask ourselves are: 1. How many hours do I want to work? 2. How many hours do I need to rest, play, and relax? 3. How many hours do I want to spend with my friends and family? The answers will vary from individual to individual and that uniqueness needs to be valued. For example, I am a morning person and require at least seven hours of sleep so I am off to bed by 10 pm and get up at 5 am so I can have a productive day ahead.  I do not take up any work that would jeopardize that.

Another important point to ponder about is the extent to which we want to engage with the digital world – when, where, and how? Once we have some clarity about our needs, we are well on our way to creating boundaries. For example, I do not use my digital devices on Sundays or after 7 pm most of the time unless it is an emergency.

When we have an idea what are needs and feelings are about how, when and where we want to work, it is up to us to implement that in our lives. We can use our creativity and look for options that support our choices. When we honor who we are, work and life will fall into place harmoniously.

Signs of love

 

Is there an ideal love? If so, will it be the same for all? In childhood, we would certainly have convinced ourselves of such a possibility. We come from different parenting environments and life experiences. The rom-coms, family dramas, and fairy tales that we grow up on are after all, tales of love. Through these varied inputs, we create our definitions about self, others and the environment including love. As each person is moulded by unique influences, I propose that we all have our own version of what ideal love is. Our shared culture and humanity may bring with it some common elements however.

In the recent weeks, I have been drawn into such definitions through my counselling and training work. I had not given this much thought earlier. For me, love means to see a person as they are, to be open to their feelings and needs. I had scarcely given that definition a second thought as to its origin and significance. However as some clients poured out their stories of love, I began to see a pattern emerge.

For some, love means to be acknowledged and adored, for another it is a form of support, while a third thinks of love as a validation of their own personality. As I went over the material that was pouring out, I could see that these definitions reflected childhood experiences and incomplete needs that people were still carrying around from a very early age.  Our intrapsychic dynamics are truly reflected in our interpersonal relationships.

The struggles that we face not being able to realize our ideal love are the defining experiences that shape our personality and invite us to grow as a person. For me, this meant identifying and honouring my feelings and “seeing” myself. I learned to be self-aware and self reliant as a result. I also learned self-care.  Our challenges with finding ideal love bring us back to ourselves and help us realize that we have the capacity to give ourselves everything that we yearn for. We are endlessly reminded of our own resources. Only then, we stop looking outside and unleash our potential.

To understand that our idea of love is a vestige of our childhood yearnings can bring in some disillusionment. If we truly explore this to the fullest, it can also be liberating. Astonishingly this means acknowledging that the love we are experiencing now could be ideal too. Perhaps it does not fit our definition of ideal love but maybe it is someone else’s idea of it and isn’t it a blessing to have that? With the myriad contours love can take, this can mean that we are always surrounded by love in some form or the other. If we give up on the thought that our definition of love is the only one and attaining that is the only route to happiness, we may just open ourselves to a treasure trove of love and joy just waiting for us to dig in and enjoy!!

Stroke economy in TA training groups

 

One of the primary goals in a TA training group is to be emancipated from the stroke economy. As we all know, Claude Steiner outlined the five restrictive rules known as the stroke economy that we have all imbibed from our culture. In addition, there are many writings on how our initiation into the stroke economy is for the benefit of capitalism and obedience to the state. The artificial scarcity of strokes created by the parenting environment coaxes human infants to submit to their caretakers eventually leading to the formation of script.

Is the goal of being liberated from the stroke economy being met in TA groups? Or are we using the same rules to the advantage of the trainers to mould and shape the trainees to their liking? These and some other important questions need to be addressed. Prima facie, there seems to be a liberal outpour of positive strokes which is very attractive for the stroke-starved trainees. The trainees become determined to conform to group norms and adhere to study goals to ward off conditional negative strokes and store up on the positive strokes. The feedback at the end of teaching practices is where the bulk of strokes are exchanged and this is the fertile ground for favouritism. If some trainees are at the mercy of the whims and fancies of the group at the moment, others have worked behind the scenes to garner favour and assure their quota of positive strokes. At the psychological level, everyone knows that it is a “you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” game except the very clueless or courageous few.  To the so-called Martian of Bernian fame, the entire process will appear dangerously hilarious.

A group of people will hurl out praises and abuses as they please while one person sits in a chair and takes it all in. The trainee in the hot seat is supposed to receive or reject strokes as needed. Meanwhile the other trainees make explicit their hidden hostilities, discounting, grandiosity, overdetailing – the entire works of psychopathology that they are carrying within. At best, the trainee in the spotlight is expected to discern discounts from strokes and gain some insight. Trainees are in the TA group because they are unable to do so in the first place. So it follows that some of them go into script either visibly or covertly and get closer to the payoff. The same applies to the stroke givers too.

It is to avoid such a perilous condition that the idea of contract exists. If personal growth and change is what TA affords, then that is plausible only when a contract is made by the trainee attending to own needs genuinely at the moment of presentation. If the trainee has the need to be celebrated and supported, then she has every right to request that. If the trainee needs to improve in a specific area or explore areas of improvement, that also is his prerogative. That freedom to choose is what makes the whole process humane rather than a gallows roadshow.  

TA is usually taught in an adult setting. As grownups we carry prior experiences and learning to the classroom. As TA trainers, we need to respect and account for that. It is important to let the person decide the pace at which they want to grow and change. Berne has cautioned us to be at least two steps behind the counselee. The same applies to the trainees. The need has to come from them.

Communication is effective only when we take into account the frame of reference of the listener. No matter how well-intentioned or potent a feedback is being handed down to the trainee, if there is no agreement by the trainee to receive it, there will not be any growth. If the 3Ps of protection, permission and potency are to be satisfied, the principles of TA have to be upheld. It is in this kind of benevolent environment that trainees can progress to autonomy and bid adieu to their scripts.

Peace that passes all understanding!

 

The Shift

As a tiny organism wailing helplessly to be picked up by giant caretakers, human babies are dependent. If the caretakers pay attention and appropriately acknowledge and meet the needs and feelings of the baby, the little one will grow up with a healthy attitude. However if the baby is neglected or overprotected, unhealthy attitudes can develop. Neglected/abused children may either rebel against the world or become dejected depending on the severity of the neglect or abuse. In our culture, we value parental care and protection to such an extent that overprotection and over-nurturing is not only condoned but encouraged blatantly and even lauded. People look at these children as having led a blessed life. Little do we know of their suffering. Being fed when the parent was hungry, being appreciated when the parent was happy, they have had no space to just be.  Never once have they learned to understand their own needs, desires, feelings or opinions. They float through life living the lives of others, feeling for others, meeting the needs of others. They are admired and appreciated by society for being so adapted, for having so little “ego” etc. In fact, their caretaking environment has encouraged such an adaptation as a way for them to survive the need of their caretakers to be powerful/manipulative/controlling. Especially damaging is if one of the parents is of a dominant/narcissistic/psychopathic personality and the other a submissive/dependent/passive-aggressive type. To offset the threat posed by the dominant parent, the child will adopt the behaviour of the submissive parent. This is encouraged actively by both parents unconsciously.

As they sail through life without setting any boundaries, they are taken advantage of, exploited, abused and maligned. At some point, the acute suffering may wake them up. At that time, they shed their docile nature and the anger modelled by the narcissistic/psychopathic parent takes over. Somehow, they feel they have collected enough suffering points to be rewarded a free angry outburst. The anger is a defense mechanism that compels them to set up boundaries and protect themselves from manipulation and exploitation. In that sense, it can be beneficial. However, from a passive communication style, they suddenly shift to an aggressive tone. As the fury rages through them and passes, they are hit by a sense of guilt with the critical parent in their head punishing them severely for their so-called transgressions. At this point, they develop depression or anxiety or both and physiologically also they may get ailments due to the protracted stress responses in the body. Counselling or therapy at this point can be incredibly beneficial.

They can be supported to become aware of their power and responsibility – power to make their choices and responsibility to go through the consequences of those choices. They can be guided to be assertive by paying attention to their own feelings and needs while balancing with an equal awareness of and respect for the feelings/needs of others. All of this requires effort to become aware – of self, others and the context. Especially challenging for them is the process of finding what they like or don’t like. Conversely, it can also be an exciting journey of self-discovery. At this point, they can break their shells and regain their autonomous nature and bloom into the beautiful beings that we are all meant to be.

I will go to you when the weather is warm

 

This is the title of a Korean drama I am currently watching. Don’t worry, this article is not about how I am a self-professed K-drama addict. Anyway, suddenly I have started thinking of people in terms of seasons and weather conditions. I will try to explain this bizarre analogy that has popped into my mind.

Have you come across spring? This is when people are in full bloom and they are exuding such beauty and vitality that they are a joy to behold. We can spend a whole afternoon just gazing at their fresh visage and vivacious smile. The colours of their emotions are displayed with such vividness. The sparkle in their eyes ignites such warmth in our hearts. We wish they would linger for a while before their charms are beyond our horizon.

Then there is summer which comes calling with high temper. When things are laid bare and scorching words fly at us, we want to take shelter under a cool banyan tree. We perspire in the heat of the moment. Our hearts burn with such passion. Perhaps the gentle spatter of a summer rain can bring some coolness. May be a soft touch where our fingers meet relieves the tension. As life heats up, we want to flee but endure we must the harshness of summer so that new shades of ‘I’ can emerge.

With every rise, there is a fall. When autumn descends and people wither away, we shed tears. What was once full becomes so lean that it breaks our heart. Yet for a while, before your colours fade, let me hold you once more for another eternal moment. Let me listen to your sweet whispers before the silence sets in.

There is a sudden hail and life is drained of its serenity. Take shelter, lest these unexpected chunks of cold words smash our hearts. Let us pick up these dirty lumps and hurl them away before they become pools of slush through which we have to wade. Why hold on to something so fleeting?

Some people are like a treasure hidden away in the eye of a storm. We have to dodge many obstacles and fiery gusts of wind before we get to their heart of gold. Let us have the love and patience to see the beautiful soul amidst the spurt of fury and destruction. Don’t run away too far but stay safe until her rage abates and she shines in new splendour.

Before the harshness of winter sets in, let me melt in your balmy love and take in your flowery scent. Before the heart freezes in the brazenness of your tone, let me reminisce about these beautiful moments. As I meet your compassionate gaze, my inner landscape is lush with greenery welcoming your presence. Even in this dead of winter, I see the stirrings of life. There will be a new bloom and spring will again find its way.

See, I was not kidding when I told you that people remind me of the weather. So wait for yet a while and I will come to you when the weather is warm.