TOXIC – This is one of the words that I have heard the most from clients this year. People want peaceful lives. Seemingly a very reasonable expectation. Some place the locus of their demand on their external environment, others on their internal environment. “Why are these people disturbing my peace?” versus “Why can’t I control my mind and remain peaceful?
Life is full of
experiences; whether we categorize them into internal or external, painful or
pleasurable, life goes on. We are not able to. Our mind has a ground hog day,
replaying endlessly in a loop the same scenarios, coming up with the same
conclusions. Ultimately, we decide either we are not good enough to be with
others or others are not good enough to be with us. We cut off or withdraw
depending on our attitude. The result is the same – our world shrinks. The
cause is also the same – the need to protect oneself.
I am not talking
about genuinely abusive conditions where it is essential to get away and seek a
safe abode. Unfortunately, people often fail to detect and take appropriate
actions in such cases but that is a different story for a different day. Here,
I am pointing to the trend of blocking and cutting people off at the drop of a
hat. People build high walls not only around their houses and live in isolated
gated communities but also have erected mammoth walls around their heart.
This is because we
mistake a thought about who we are to be who we are. Thoughts are passing
clouds. To derive our sense of self from thoughts is to identify ourself with
something very fragile and fleeting. Hence the tremendous fear. The solutions
to attain peace that arise from this fear-ridden mind are also quick fixes -
seeking therapy to get rid of the uncomfortable emotions, getting rid of “toxic”
people or getting away from them to avoid triggers.
The only lasting solution is to stay aware, acknowledge the difficult emotions and situations and keep acting appropriately. Engage and not disengage. When we do this, our identity shifts from a flimsy thought-based one to a much more deep-rooted awareness-based one. Unhelpful beliefs lose hold on us. We become open and trusting of the intelligence that sustains the universe. We live in acceptance. It is then that we heal.
Let us walk on that path of healing together....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
