When forms dissolve

 

I was talking with someone whose perception towards a loved one (LO) had changed. He experienced this as being very painful. He described himself as being so loyal to the LO that he would not have hesitated to kill or die for her. He was suffering from the classic symptoms of grief. He had a story in his head about who she is which collapsed when she behaved in a particular way. He then went through the culturally programmed process of grief. I invited him to recognize that his story about her had emerged from his unmet childhood needs which he readily acknowledged. The story then became a barrier which prevented him from recognizing her true nature or seeing her behaviour as it is. In the space that emerged when the story gave way, he now has the opportunity to see clearly. In the uncertainty of not having a definite idea about who the other is, he could stay live to what is.

I gently reminded him that his or her true identity is not a story. A story is a set of thoughts that run together. It could be about who we are, who others are, about situation, etc. When we observe, we become aware of it. Thus staying as the awareness that is observing, we recognize that story is an object of awareness and is thus a particular form. All forms by nature change. That a form can endure forever is a misconception that humans hold on to. From this misunderstanding, arouse the thought whether he would lose the form. From that fear came and the need to hold on to the form. When this was thwarted, arouse grief. When he realized all this and was reminded of his own true nature, grief gave way to peace.

This needs to be read with a bit of background knowledge on the nature of who we are. If we identify ourselves with the story in our head about who we are instead of our essence, we suffer. Recognizing ourselves as the awareness that observes is the beginning of freedom. Recognizing another as the same consciousness and seeing their behaviour without distortion is love.

We tend to forget our true nature and falsely identify with the stories in our head. All of us do that unless we are enlightened beings. To recognize that all dysfunctional behaviour arises from that forgetting is forgiveness.

The two modes of our mind

 

Our mind is versatile in that it has two modes of functioning: 1. Witnessing mode, 2. Immersed mode. Most of the time, a majority of people are in the immersed mode. Many are not aware of the existence of witnessing mode and do not use it consciously. At times, people fall into it and revert back without awareness. Spirituality and religious practices are by way of design intended to bring mind into a witnessing mode. However when done compulsively without knowledge, it does not serve that intention. When we function exclusively in the immersed mode, we are prone to emotional pain and suffering. The way out is to just switch our mode.

Immersed mode: People think and thoughts keep pouring in and out. We are so enamored by thoughts that they hold our attention exclusively. In immersed mode, we are so fused with our thoughts that our body responds to its content. Accordingly, we experience various body sensations and feelings. If the content of our mind is peaceful, our body feels at ease. On the other hand, mental turmoil is reflected by uncomfortable sensations in the body.

The content of our thoughts can be related to the present or could be of the past or future. Whenever the thoughts are related to the here and now, actions are more appropriate and we also feel more mentally energized and balanced. When past or future thoughts predominate, sadness or anxiety can arise respectively.

When we are convinced that thoughts are true and believe in them fully, our body and actions mirror its content. This can lead to inappropriate behaviour and affect even relationships adversely. This is the so-called “normal” human suffering. Yet so much of it is unnecessary and is perpetuated only because we do not know how to switch modes.

Witnessing mode: When we resolve to observe instead of getting involved in thoughts, we are witnessing. This mode can be easily attained by mindfulness or grounding. Without the jargon, this only means to start looking around – look at the space, listen to the sounds, feel your breath, and body sensations. You can also observe the thoughts come and go without engaging with them. When we start attending to the here and now through our various senses without our attention being fully taken up by thoughts, we start to switch. We do not resist any thought. We do not go along with any thoughts. We just stay as a witness to what is unfolding – thoughts, body sensations, stimuli in the environment. There is a feeling of not knowing. We can allow that to be and ease into it. This is a moment of freedom.

In the witnessing mode, thoughts do not linger. They float by like passing clouds. As long as we do not engage with the thoughts, they will not stay as our attention is the only energy that powers them. No matter what the circumstances are, this mode is ever accessible to us. Thus, we are at any moment potentially free from suffering. We are also in our most resourceful state in this mode. We can choose which thoughts we want to engage in. It is important to have a clear idea about our goals in life. Then we can observe the thoughts and choose to engage with thoughts that bring us closer to our goals while letting others go.

Thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are assumptions we make about reality. They are not right or wrong in themselves. It is more helpful to categorize them as useful or not. Those thoughts that serve to realize our goals are useful. Otherwise, not. Once we know to switch to the immersed mode and have discernment in which thought is useful or not, we are utilizing our power.

Every thought we choose to fuse with, rides our attention and energizes itself impacting our body, emotions, and thus our actions. When we stay in immersed mode, we have no choice over what thoughts can possess us. This is the suffering of mankind. Yet, we always potentially have the power to be free. This is realized only when we switch to the witnessing mode.

In our daily lives, we take up so many roles – of worker, of parent, of spouse, of sibling, of offspring …. There are myriad situations that necessitate us to fuse with many thoughts. If we are aware and choose, we are versatile. Without awareness, we are but puppets in the hands of fate. This is like taking up a role in a drama and becoming so obsessed with the role and the mask that we wear for that role that we decide to go home wearing the mask. That would be absurd right? No more than how we carry around obsolete thoughts and fuse with them sacrificing our power and autonomy. Key is to recognize when to put on the mask and when not. That is freedom.

Thoughts about who we are can become a prison for us. We feel compelled to defend these stories in our mind. If I believe the thought that “I am honest,” then I must label a person who is not agreeing with my perception as dishonest. I have taken up a mask and pushed one on another person as well. Then we wage wars to uphold these masks. Such unnecessary suffering!

Who I am cannot be defined. As also every one else. To do so, is to deny our true identity. When we recognize that thoughts are not facts, when we switch to witnessing mode, we connect with who we are beyond stories and self definitions. We drop our masks. To be able to switch, to know when and how, this is a fine line to tread. Yet to do it is to fulfill our destiny as a human being.