Healing from the long-term effects of abuse

Survivors of childhood abuse and/or other kinds of trauma like death, rape, accident, emotional abuse, etc. find it very difficult to welcome happiness into their lives later on. They have to teach themselves to be happy again by becoming aware of their negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive ones.

For example, Mary's mother used to shout at her for any small mistake she made though Mary was a bright student and overachiever. Her mother constantly said things like "You are useless, you will never become anything. You don't deserve to be happy." As a result Mary was constantly afraid to do anything and gradually stopped taking any initiative. Even after she moved away from her parental home, these habits did not change. She felt guilty and inadequate all the time although she was successful in everything she did. But she never did anything out of the box or for herself. When things went smoothly she felt a terrible fear that this was just a temporary phase and trouble would come eventually. She could not relax.

Now if Mary was to observe her own thoughts without judgment (only then thoughts come to the surface), she would come across thoughts like "I am useless. I will never become anything. I don't deserve to be happy." So what happened when Mary grew up was she internalized her mother's voice and it became part of her. A part of Mary's mind was now constantly criticizing her just like her mother used to when she was small. This is why Mary cannot be happy. Unconsciously she keeps waiting for the punishment that usually her Mom gave her whenever she took any action on her own. By becoming aware of these negative thoughts patterns what Mary can do is forgive herself because the part of her mind that is criticizing her does not mean her any harm. All children internalize their parents' voices and this is how morality develops. It is a natural mechanism. But if the parents are unduly harsh, this becomes a problem later on. Such kids have to unlearn these thoughts and re-parent themselves. She can teach her own mind to say things like "I am successful. I am capable of anything. I deserve to be happy. I open myself to all the happiness and blessings in my life. I am grateful. Nothing bad will happen, etc." Thus she can heal herself eventually.