Healing from the long-term effects of abuse

Survivors of childhood abuse and/or other kinds of trauma like death, rape, accident, emotional abuse, etc. find it very difficult to welcome happiness into their lives later on. They have to teach themselves to be happy again by becoming aware of their negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive ones.

For example, Mary's mother used to shout at her for any small mistake she made though Mary was a bright student and overachiever. Her mother constantly said things like "You are useless, you will never become anything. You don't deserve to be happy." As a result Mary was constantly afraid to do anything and gradually stopped taking any initiative. Even after she moved away from her parental home, these habits did not change. She felt guilty and inadequate all the time although she was successful in everything she did. But she never did anything out of the box or for herself. When things went smoothly she felt a terrible fear that this was just a temporary phase and trouble would come eventually. She could not relax.

Now if Mary was to observe her own thoughts without judgment (only then thoughts come to the surface), she would come across thoughts like "I am useless. I will never become anything. I don't deserve to be happy." So what happened when Mary grew up was she internalized her mother's voice and it became part of her. A part of Mary's mind was now constantly criticizing her just like her mother used to when she was small. This is why Mary cannot be happy. Unconsciously she keeps waiting for the punishment that usually her Mom gave her whenever she took any action on her own. By becoming aware of these negative thoughts patterns what Mary can do is forgive herself because the part of her mind that is criticizing her does not mean her any harm. All children internalize their parents' voices and this is how morality develops. It is a natural mechanism. But if the parents are unduly harsh, this becomes a problem later on. Such kids have to unlearn these thoughts and re-parent themselves. She can teach her own mind to say things like "I am successful. I am capable of anything. I deserve to be happy. I open myself to all the happiness and blessings in my life. I am grateful. Nothing bad will happen, etc." Thus she can heal herself eventually.

Dogs bite, period!

That barking dogs don’t bite is a myth. Experience disproves the common belief that people who have a sharp tongue will not harm you otherwise.

Sometimes what is paraded as brutal honesty is seldom that. Certain people have a reputation of being ‘innocents’ who blurt out anything that comes to their mind. This image may just be a clever ruse to reveal just the right amount of information to accomplish their motive which is often less than noble. Logically, searing comments don’t naturally pour forth from a gentle soul. When people are teaching you otherwise, be on the alert for they may be potential abusers defending themselves before an onslaught. Worse, if you find yourself buying into their argument, then you are turning from a victim to an abuser yourself. Become aware and break the cycle of abuse.

The fact is that there is equal or even greater probability of rude people detracting your character behind your back or hurting you in other ways than those who are polite to you upfront. Either way what others do behind your back is their problem. You owe it to yourself to be treated with dignity. So never keep the company of those who treat you with disrespect. 

Missing the trees for the forest

It is unfortunate that some elements of the media want to peddle the view of the Indian Muslim community as a homogeneous entity flirting with terrorism, steeped in fundamentalism, struggling with a perpetual victimhood complex, and eager for handouts. The truth is that there are all colours of Muslims from the very pious to the agnostic to the atheistic and even within these divisions there are so many shades in between that defy definition. The most religious Muslim necessarily need not be the one flaunting a skull cap or a Burqa. There are quieter modes of devotion and every spiritual Muslim does not wear his heart on his sleeve. Such subtleties are entirely lost when we constantly create group identities and cease to see the individual.

Now, I have very little knowledge about the post-Partition mentality of North Indian Muslims but hailing from Kerala and that too from a middle-class milieu and dedicated to Allah, I have usually found a number of both the older and younger generation of Malayali Muslims to be unburdened by a negative Muslim identity (at least the ones I have seen in my life). The idea of “Indian Muslim” as a separate entity at odds with mainstream India is a bogey that only rises with the occasional advent of religious riots or terrorism. If a woman can at once be a mother and a wife, I don’t see why a devout Muslim can also not be a patriotic Indian.  Thus as far as the many Malayali Muslims that I know are concerned, being simultaneously Indian, Malayali and Muslim without any of these identities usurping the importance of the other is their natural state irrespective of whether they are clean shaven and shorts-clad or bearded and lungi-clad.

The progressive flaunting of religious symbols among Muslims is a phenomenon that is world-wide and I feel it to be quite independent of the state of affairs in India. Whether sporting ¾-pants would make a Muslim more worthy in God’s eyes and thus more spiritual/religious is another idea for another day that has to be debated within the Muslim community. 

In search of Truth

As long as we do not know the Truth, we do not know what is good for us. Only what is in the One Absolute Eternal Truth's (which I will call God) good pleasure is good ie, creates no suffering and has the best outcome for the universe. Those who know the Truth (the prophets, the witnesses, etc.) follow God’s will without effort. Others have to be given general guidelines as to how to live because they do not know what is God's will on their own as they are cut off from that part of them that knows. This is why there are scriptures.

Animals follow God's will without effort. In Tsunamis and such natural disasters, hardly any animal dies. I read that the animal population migrated uphill before the waves struck. They just went. They might not even have known why they went but they did. Because they have no choice and they follow God's will without fail.

But man says, "should I do this, should I not, why should I do this, blah, blah.' He has no idea. He is cut off. What we are trying to do here is get back to that part of us that is in touch with God's will. We have a good GPS that God has given us which we are supposed to use and sail through life with ease. But things have gotten so bad that we don’t even know it exists. So those who know have to write down manuals to show the way. ie, prophets bring revelations. Scriptures thus may be said to have two natural goals:

1. Help clueless men go through life in a way that does not create too much suffering and which may eventually,

2. Help find GPS and reinstall.

All this so that we can return to the primary purpose of meeting up with God. We are supposed to be God's ambassadors on earth. So it is very important to reinstall the GPS if we want to ascend a long way. But at least we should follow the manual. Problem is people interpret the manual as it suits them and then they fight over it. Instructions that are specific to a situation are hard to come by in the manual. GPS would hopefully solve those problems.