A blessed new year!

Looking back at this vanishing year, my heart swells with gratitude. I feel blessed to have shared time and space with so many amazing people. Yes folks, I refer to each one of you who have stepped into my life even if briefly.

People unfold in all shades and colors. This is the beauty of life. At our very core resides perfection. In each person, this light shines through in varying hues and magnitude. And we traverse the river of life in a journey of perfecting the manifestation of that light.

At times, the light waxes and wanes in all. But we who serve the light will hold our wings of compassion over those flames that flicker so that the rainy day may pass and the light may dazzle anew another sunny day. As a fresh year blooms, may we all be blessed in perfecting our radiance!

Thank you all for your presence and kindness. Peace to all! Happy New Year!!

Existential angst

I thought I would just rant about the impossibility of being me. But then I started thinking "hey is this statement factually correct?" And all the steam went South.

Can't write a single solid opinion before a plethora of counterarguments rush into my brain! Let's see what happens when I start thinking about one tiny weenie viewpoint about some topic. Immediately that just melts into a hotpot of a thousand views with the whole 360 degree scan going round and round in my brain.

I am so jealous of people who are so sure of "this is the only way it can be." Wow! I can't even decide who I should support in a conventional hero-villian movie. I mean honestly the villian isn't all blameworthy nor is the hero all blameless. Don't grill me! I see only in shades! I have never met an evil person. Nor have I met a good person. I see a lot of shades of grey.

If someone decides to take me along to argue their point in a debate they are gonna have, they are done for. I am nodding my head to both sides of the argument. It is like I step out of my skin- the little ol me- and go footloose and fancy-free into the big world of infinite possibilities. And everything seems plausible.

It gets so bad sometimes that I wonder how any word can be spoken out aloud. Such inadequate representations of reality. This is why I love silence. It is so wholesome.

It is just insufferable to be me. Wait, that ain't totally right... Well here I go again..

The silent song

How would you hear the song of my heart
If your soul was not open to it?
The symphony of my love falls on deaf ears
The myriad hues of my warmth and compassion
Drowned out by your emotional blindness
It does not matter if I weep silently or aloud
Your heart can feel neither my joy nor pain.
Days and nights go on in vain
This silence driving me insane.
Like little clouds dispersing in a breeze
This heavy feeling too will cease.
Then life will go on as before
Like busy crabs trailing ashore.

APD and symbiosis

Here, APD refers to both antisocial personality disorder as well as the person who has that personality disorder. It is characterized by a blatant disregard for the rights and sensitivities of the other, violation of social norms and in extreme cases even criminal laws. In this article, I describe the garden-variety APD – the noncriminal APD. These masquerade as victims and feed on the energy, time, vitality and well being of others around them. Hence I refer them to as wolves and their victims as sheep.

At first, APD wolf establishes symbiotic relationship with the primary sheep. The primary sheep is the current central victim – the source of vitality from whom the APD will receive strokes, recognition and satisfaction. This could be a singular person or a group of persons. There will always be plenty of secondary sheep and a particularly unfortunate candidate called the scapegoat.

APDs can smell blood. Meaning, they generally have more than average intelligence and are usually keen observers of human nature. They use this to fit in and pick on the ones suitable for their feeding. The gimmick that falls for the APD con is the need to nurture, contribute, to be appreciated and recognized. The primary sheep will have negative NP. Or the primary sheep may be having self doubt and questioning own worth or reason for existence. APD’s Child immediately recognizes the chance to have a symbiotic relationship. In the first order symbiosis, the APD Child establishes a symbiotic union with the Parent and Adult of the primary sheep. APDs do not have an NP. They also briefly experience psychosis. In the secondary symbiosis, the P1 and A1 of APD bonds with C1 of the primary sheep. The primary sheep’s somatic Child derives satisfaction from the attention of the P1 and A1 of the APD. The nurturing provided by the APD is therefore over the top and has a dramatic quality to it. It is also ridden with magical thinking. There is also plenty of manipulative behaviour from the LP of the APD to keep the primary sheep in custody.

First off, the primary sheep will be charmed. Bombarded with strokes. There will be outlandish praises. Key areas of weakness in the primary sheep will be immediately noted by APD and exploited with vigor. APD presents as a victim. Usually complaining of neglect from other family members. Or sweeping primary sheep off their feet with the APD’s carefully constructed aura of vulnerability. The APD confesses some weakness which they are sure that only the primary sheep can cure them of. They will beg, implore and lure the primary sheep’s ego to hook into its need to feel important and competent. The primary sheep will be convinced that all others have failed the APD and they alone will be able to offer APD the magic cure. “Poor little APD! What a cruel world! If only others showed more understanding. I will help you. I will give you the attention that you need. I will cure you, blah, blah.”

For the APD, this is a well-orchestrated game that they have played over their entire lifetime. Many are the primary sheep who had their vitality sucked up, shriveled and died. Thus casting them away after their use, APD moves on from sheep to sheep.

Meanwhile the primary sheep is in ecstasy. The APD shows signs of improvement. They shower the primary sheep with praise. “You have finally done what others could never do. I am changing. I am making progress. Blah, blah.” Primary sheep’s ego is satisfied. But they never know that this game of “getting well” has been enacted countless times and will never reach the expected outcome.

The APD upholds for others and in their own mind a false self image. “A poor defective person trying hard to survive, needs help. Oh help me! They are rejecting me. Please save me.” They are great players of Wooden leg, Stupid, Poor me n “gee you are wonderful.” They are parasites looking to feed on the other person’s generosity, time, and energy. They even use religion to give themselves a saintly aura. They want to cruise through life doing nothing worthwhile but always giving off the image of striving hard. A true Try Hard-er. At worst, the APD appears to the others as an eccentric person, mildly irritating but nevertheless harmless. “Oh the poor sod!” But no! The APD is a vampire and very dangerous.

They will stab the primary sheep behind their back just for the fun of it. They will spread rumours of the primary sheep’s incompetence and may even ruin their career or family life all the while smiling and praising them. After the initial blitzkrieg of strokes that suit the primary sheep’s stroking profile, genuine strokes will be hard to come by. This shoddy behaviour is especially reserved for the one referred to as the scapegoat. They will sing songs of praise about areas that the sheep does not care about. This makes the APD look like a nurturing saint to the general sheep. Meanwhile after 10 plastic strokes, APD will give one counterfeit that pokes the goat straight in the sorespots. Nobody will notice. Even the scapegoat will be left gasping. This is a great boost of energy for the APD. This satisfies the APD’s need for drama. Their stimulus, structure, incidence, contact, and recognition hungers are very high. They need constant drama. The primary sheep will be fattened up and may not notice the cruelty of the APD. The scapegoat suffers silently. They have no words to describe what is going on. It is all so subtle. It is in the tone and nonverbals, and happens behind close doors.

APDs take away precious time and resources that could have been spent on another well-deserving person. APD gives off the image of being extremely caring with their P1 in overdrive. But at best, it is like a kid playing mother or father. Their care is insidiously oppressive n engulfing. They violate boundaries with impunity. They have no respect for personal space. Your attention is fully theirs to enjoy. Any deviation even if it is for your basic necessities will be perceived as an aggressive act. This will turn on the vengeful Child of the APD. An APD scorned is a force to reckon with. They will not finish off the primary sheep as they need to continue to feed on them. But the scapegoat will be punished mercilessly. Their reputations maligned. Their weakness exposed and laughed at. The APD will befriend and recruit the allies of the scapegoat to kick the scapegoat. The very people scapegoat worked hard all their lives to bond with, will at the behest of the APD, hurt the scapegoat. APD’s ogre will be unleashed.

APD is a disorder of the will. The lack of will to switch on their empathy. The lack of will to behave decently. The lack of will to care for the feelings of others. The lack of will to play a benevolent role in society. The lack of will to contribute anything selflessly. The lack of will to work towards goals. Instead they immediately go for the easy way. The manipulative behaviour to make others do all the hardwork and feed on their resources comes naturally to the APD. These people seem to have open-ended scripts. They have something I call negative Be Perfect and Please Others. They don’t have the skill or will to be perfect or please anyone for any significant amount of time. But they are notoriously good at picking on the faults of others and encouraging others to please them. If the APD is not pleased, a tantrum is inevitable. Or silent rage. Or withdrawal. An attempt at suicide. Anything to get the primary sheep to put out and start feeding again. Or they will do these things anyway, just to enjoy the drama of it. They love these negative strokes and negative feelings. It makes them feel alive. Their optimum arousal level is way too high. So they need a huge boost to feel anything.

This is hard on everyone around them. APD cannot be counted upon. They will not remain stable. They will not do anything really significant. They are good at putting on a show of doing a lot. But usually they will recruit the scapegoat to do all the work and to take on all the blame. They themselves on the other hand want to cruise along, enjoy the limelight, play “Poor me” and feed on the generosity of all they can deceive.

APD say what they never do and what they do they never say. And they are great at first impressions. If they don’t appear competent or charming, they will at least come off as that poor person who you would so like to help out. They have practiced this routine countless times. They have built this self image over a life time. They are ready to hook in to you. Just turn the other way and run as fast as you can.

Self-fulfilling prophecies

Reena got up thinking about her sister Tejas. She felt that what Tejas said was totally unfair. The bad feeling just built up within her. She thought of what she should tell Tejas the next time they met. She carefully planned out her response.

A few hours later, they met. Tejas was oblivious to what was going on in Reena's mind. Reena thought that she would just let that previous comment pass. She would not talk about it. She smiled and joined in the small talk. Yet, the atmosphere was tense. It was as if Tejas could read her mind. Reena felt that there was none of the cordiality that normally permeated their encounters. Then she became impatient and urged Tejas to put away her mobile because it was distracting her. Tejas said nothing. Reena felt guilty. She analysed the situation. What had happened now? It was her own bad feeling that made her act so tensely. Now what she feared was becoming true. A rift was developing between them. All because she had allowed the story in her head to get the better of her.

Do you think that our thoughts influence our relationships? Has the story in your head ever affected a relationship? Would you like to share that experience?

A mirror shatters

I was walking by the TV in our living room when a snippet from the iconic Bruce Lee movie  - "Enter the dragon" captured my attention. It was the legendary scene of the mirrors; Lee moving warily as the enemy hides amidst his numerous reflections. Then an idea enters Lee's mind that propels him into action. Though I don't remember it word for word, it went something like this - "Break the false image and the enemy will be defeated." I stopped in my tracks as I pondered about this precious wisdom.

People have an idea in their head about who they are. This self image is actually just a bunch of thoughts about themselves. Eventually people get so attached to these images that they gradually lose sight of their real essence. In ourselves and in others, these false images create barriers that separates'I' from 'you' and fosters enemity and hatred. I was being reminded that when we let go of the false images, the idea of 'enemy' itself dissolves. We are all one in essence. There is no enemy. 😊

Kite without a string

To be born as a human being is a unique opportunity to experience separation and limitation. Each person weaves his/her particular story and as such every individual is precious and a beautiful piece of the giant puzzle that is the universe. Eventually all of us will manifest our true potential. But at any given moment, there are hordes of people who are boxed in by false stories and leading a life of captivity and suffering. Ordinary people caged in by the dream of life, unaware of their true essence. This is the common man. I always felt a psychologist or a TA trainer or any therapist for that matter would lead people out of these nightmares and into the light of their consciousness. But apparently the focus is on supplementing one nightmare with a less daunting one. The mirage of “getting better.” So if one enters therapy or any “psychological program” under the illusion of being ‘x,’ you will be told how mistaken you are to be labeling yourself this way. ‘No, no, no, you are really only y. This is your new identity. Forget x, swallow y. You will come out all shining from the dark abyss you are wandering in.” This is the reality of many a training program or so-called therapy. Such a jolly circus of trading a walking stick for a crutch. Just a cursory mention of the fact that you have feet. Nothing on guiding people back to their true nature. Instead you are urged to focus on your shiny new crutch and count its holes and discard that walking stick because it stinks. Ya, it will feel good for a while. You are getting distracted. You have new hope. You feel like you are ‘making progress.’ La di la! You have gained ‘new insight.’ Meanwhile you are as far away from your essence as you ever were.

How far? Not even a second apart. You are your essence. You have just managed to put your attention on the moving patterns of your personality instead of easing into the background of your consciousness. It is so much more colorful than the ever-present substratum of existence. I am sorry, I digressed further than I intended. Let me guide you back. You, pure consciousness, have a ‘self experience’ all the time. By this I mean the experience of ‘I.’ A close analogy to self experience is the movie experience. The movie experience consists of the still background that we call screen plus the moving patterns that fall on the screen from the projector. Similarly, the self experience consists of consciousness plus the moving patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior that we call personality. At any moment, a majority of human beings are hung up on the moving pattern. Very few are aware of the still background. But moving patterns dazzle and hold our attention. We are captivated by the fascinating medley of thoughts and feelings that inhabit our mental landscape. In turn this shapes our response to the environment. The thoughts take the shape of an ‘I’ story. This is a bunch of thoughts that keep repeating in our heads – ‘I am Thehseen. I love biriyani. I hate papaya.’ and so on and on it goes. Mostly we are unaware of this process. Our attention has been so consumed by this mirage of an inner person that we become that inner person and act in programmed ways. These repetitive patterns of behavior shaped by earlier experiences are not appropriate to the challenges of the present moment. Hence our behavior falls short of our potential to act effectively on our environment. This virtual reality avatar then possesses the body and acts out its limitations. This very attachment and total immersion in the ‘I’ story is the cause of our suffering. The movement of attention back to the background of existence is essential to put an end to this. It is self evident that body, thoughts and feelings are constantly changing. Hence these belong to the realm of the moving patterns. The only unchanging part of us is consciousness itself. So take a journey into yourself. Know all that you are not. And what remains however improbable is your true essence. True in that it never changes. All the moving patterns can be observed. But the unchanging background of consciousness cannot be observed like an object. It is the subject itself. You can only ease back into your being (verb). Just be and observe your patterns of thoughts, feelings and behavior with compassion. This is the beginning of the end of suffering. Without knowing this dimension in you, you have nothing to anchor on. You were like a kite without a string. But now, remaining grounded in consciousness, you can explore your inner and outer world safely, discard ineffective patterns and procure new ones as you please. Secure in the knowing that you can never lose you.